my car :(

someone hit my car earlier tonight. this makes me sad :( I no longer have a back bumper...
they hit on the driver side and scratched all the way down the side, Aaron was on that side in the back. He is okay, it just scared him, and he yelled at the lady (even though is was not english, he still yelled). I will post a picture tomorrow of my poor, tacky looking car :(

Newer pictures

Rough day, hopefully better tomorrow

Aaron has been sick all week- well pretty much sick for 6 weeks off and on with ear infections. Monday he started antibiotics again for his ears and usually by the second day his symptoms start improving. But, they weren't this time. Last night he was coughing so bad from all the congestion that he threw up. It's not real fun to clean that up and change bed sheets at 3am... My mom has kept him each day this week because she has paid sick days at work, and I don't. So, after I got off work today I went to pick up Aaron. His fever seemed high, his eyes looked terrible, still whiny, wouldn't eat all day. I decided to take him to minor emergency (since doctors weren't available- which children ALWAYS get sick on the weekends). This time instead of ear infections causing the congestion, it was congestion causing ear problems. He has bronchitis, eustachian tube dysfunction (which I really don't know what the heck that is, but associated with sinuses and ear stuff), and upper respiratory infection once again. The doctor changed his antibiotic and is going to have him take a steroid for a few days too- just happens to be the same one that caused my dad to have cancer, so I'm trying not to think about that and freak out. His fever is 103 now, but I already started him on the medicine so hopefully it will kick in. Needless to say, I don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight. I hate when he is sick. I hate when he has to have breathing treatments all the time. I hate when I can't just hold and kiss him and make it all better like I feel I'm supposed to be able to do as 'mama'.

Tagged!

8 things you've always wondered about me!
I was tagged by Sarah.

8 Favorite Restaurants:
1. Babe's Chicken House
2. BJ's
3. Villa Grande
4. Olive Garden
5. Texas Roadhouse
6. Miguelito's
7. El Pasano's (the hole in the wall taco stand in the very scary part of Dallas that I love so much)
8. III Forks (but it is like 100 per person, so I only ate there when my old company paid for it)

8 Things that Happened Today:
1. took Aaron to my mom's house
2. went to work
3. went insane because I had 2 3yr old classes combined since their teacher was out
4. ordered Pizza Hut since I forgot my lunch today
5. talked to the lawyer several times
6. picked Aaron up from my mom's
7. got gas at Kroger
8. this blog

8 Things I Look Forward To:
1. Sleeping
2. Payday
3. The weekend
4. Josh coming back home after Christmas
5. Signing divorce papers tomorrow
6. Divorce being final in February
7. Being happy
8. Having more children one day

8 Things I'm Scared Of:
1. Spiders
2. Snakes
3. Car wrecks (I've been in way too many)
4. Not being healthy enough to have more children
5. Finding out all the medical stuff that's wrong with me when I finish all the tests
6. Failing at the things God wants me to accomplish or has planned for me
7. Not being a good enough mom to Aaron
8. Not finding love again

8 Things I Wish For:
1. Aaron to be taken care of and given all the things he needs and some of what he wants
2. That I may teach Aaron about our Lord, so he will accept Him into his heart when he is older
3. my own house
4. an suv
5. more children
6. a better paying job
7. Aaron to not be sick all the time
8. better health

8 Things I Watch on TV:
1. General Hospital
2. One Life to Live
3. One Tree Hill
4. 90210
5. Friends
6. Ace of Cakes
7. Property Virgins (I want to be one of those people)
8. My House is Worth What?

And, I tag everyone who didn't do it already which I think is only
Lyndi
Laura
April

Addictions and updates

Addictions-

1. Internet- my internet has not worked in a week and a half and it drove me absolutely insane! I think I still tried about every couple of hours 'just to see' if it started working again. I HATED not being able to check myspace, facebook, and especially blogs!

2. My cell phone (texting to be more exact)- I send probably 100 texts a day. It's rarely ever anything important, just stupid stuff I think of throughout the day that I send to a couple of my closest friends that I'm sure get annoyed but never say anything ;)

3. DVR- Once you have a dvr that automatically records everything you love to watch, you can't live without it. That also stopped working this week for a couple of days and it was terrible. Aaron kept yelling 'OH NO!' at the tv because he was use to watching cartoons in the morning while I get ready for work and before bed. He was upset that it didn't work.

4. FRIENDS the show- I can watch it over and over and over and quote every episode. Love it!

5. Aaron- This week a couple of days I found myself missing Aaron. I am directly across the hall from the room he is in at the church, but I missed him. I checked on him about every half hour which is crazy. I knew he was fine. I just really wanted to hold and love on him even more than usual.



Okay- anyone who hasn't done this yet- list 5 addictions and pass it on.



Updates-
Things are going really well considering my impending divorce. I hesitate to post some things that are going on just yet. I will share soon. I know that some of it will seem crazy and make me seem like an awful person or something. So, I will wait. Please pray for me and things that I'm struggling with. Oh, and my court hearing is Friday the 19th if you could all be praying for that too! I am not really worried, but it includes my son's life so I am at the same time. I am not even sure if Adam will show up though. He has only seen Aaron on Thanksgiving day in the last 5 weeks so I don't know how much he cares about what happens in court. That makes me sad. In my eyes, Aaron deserves love from everybody! Especially his own father.

Tag!

1. Two Names You Go By: Joyia and Mama
2. Things You Are Wearing Right Now:Pink Aero shirt and Victoria's Secret Jeans
3. Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment: An SUV and my own house
4. Two people who you look up to: My Dad for always doing everything he could while he was here to protect us, and Taylor for her Amazing strength
5. Two things you did last night: Text messaged as usual and checked messages of MySpace and Facebook
6. Two things you ate yesterday: I don't really remember, but I do know I ate kit-kats- so healthy!
7. Two people you last talked to: April Anderson and her parents Jim and Patty
8. Two Things you're doing tomorrow: Going to Carrollton to my uncle's house and EATING :)
9. Two longest car rides: Texas to Florida, and Texas to North Carolina
10. Favorite Holidays : Christmas and Easter
11. Favorite Vacations : Arkansas and Florida
12. Last trip: I guess a couple years ago with Alicia when we went to San Antonio-just so we could go to the zoo haha
13. Two favorite beverages: Dr.Pepper and IBC Root Beer

Tag you are it:
April Faulkner
Lyndi
Laura

UGHhhhhh

I'm tired of taking medicines! I'm tired of taking as many pills everyday as my elderly granparents! I'm young, I should be healthy. I want to feel healthy. I want to have energy to enjoy my precious son while I have the chance. I want to be able to accomplish the things I should and the things I once had planned. I want my 10 medicines to be cheaper so that when I am low on money I don't have to pick and choose which ones I refill and which ones I can put off a while. When I take them I don't just want them to do whatever they do to make my body work, but to actually make me feel better. And, then I just feel guilty for not feeling as thankful as I should for the things I do have. But, God, I just really want to get better. I pray that one day I won't have to take so much drugs all the time. I hope that the ones I do take are not just for helping for pain each day, but that they will help correct problems. I know that one day, hopefully not soon (because I want more time with Aaron), I will not be sick or in pain in Heaven. I look forward to that Day.

Frustrations...

This week has been rough. One day I came home after work to a broken fridge/freezer. Everything was ruined. Took a whole day to clean it all out. Two days of it not working, and it started freezing and cooling again, for whatever reason "it was healed". Don't get me wrong, I'm sooooooooooooo glad it started working again!! But, I really wish it hadn't ruined everything to begin with. I had to borrow money just to get those groceries, and then my mom didn't have any to loan me to 'rebuy' the same groceries. THANKFULLY- Friday I was approved for Food Stamps after 5 weeks of waiting. I applied 2 days after Adam said he was leaving because I really couldn't trust that he would help once he was gone. And, I was right! Another frustration- Adam has not helped me out with buying anything for Aaron since then. (Nor has he called to check or see his son either.) He told me his rent and bills come first, and then he will give me some if he has any left- uhhh, which he doesn't. I really hate applying for Food Stamps. I hate the office you have to go to in order to do it. I don't like some of the people you have to deal with there. They told me once that I was rich just because my car was paid off. They seemed nicer when I told them that the only reason I didn't have a car payment was because my Dad died and left enough to pay for my car in full. I had to tell them to look at my monthly income working at a preschool and having to pay for Aaron to be there still. One lady told me flat out- "If you have more children, you will be able to receive more government help." That is the most ridiculous and terrible reason to have a child! I don't want help. I wish I didn't have to ask for help. But, right now I do. And as soon as I don't need it, I won't take it. I use to be very independent and could do and handle everything by myself (well, with God's help of course). I didn't have to borrow from my mom or anyone. I miss those days. I also tried to find a 2nd job in retail to help out with bills and stuff. They all told me that they wanted someone who wasn't working another job and who didn't have a child. I guess they think I wouldn't be reliable enough? That kind of made me mad. I'm trying! I'm trying to work more! I want to work more! I don't want to have to have help...
Anyway, please continue to pray for me. I feel stressed and overwhelmed. I feel like nobody listens to me (except for my friends in the blogging world).

May God bless this family...

I find it a little difficult to pray for someone (an entire family in this case) when I don't even know there names. One of my bosses at the church called me into her office today. I was kinda nervous because this wasn't my immediate boss, but my boss's boss. Anyway, Miss D (I won't use her whole name) told me that a family in the church that I work at came to her and said they wanted to 'adopt' Aaron for Christmas. They apparently heard from someone that Adam had left and things were going to be tight for a while, so they asked if they could do an Angel Tree type of thing specifically for Aaron. It was extremely hard not to cry in that moment. I doubt that they even know me, but to come forward like that and to want to help my son... it has to be one of the most generous thing anyone has ever done for me. Whoever this family is- I am very thankful for them and for their Godly love and generosity. I pray that I will be able to do something this special for someone else when they are in need.

December 19th

Please keep this day in your prayers for Aaron and me. I received a copy yesterday of the original petition for divorce. December 19th is the temporary court hearing which will determine who receives temporary custody from then until the divorce is finalized in a few months. It will also determine temporary child and spousal support. I don't think that there will be any problems with me having custody or support, but just the miniscule chance of Aaron not being with me for even a short amount of time scares me to death! So, please pray pray pray just like I will be doing for the next month before the hearing. I don't think Adam is any kind of threat to Aaron in the slightest bit. I know he loves him. I know that he was once a very good father and wanted to be there every minute. However, the last year or so, Adam has not wanted to be around as much or shown any interest in how Aaron's day goes (what he eats, when he eats, how to change him, how to get him to sit on the potty, when he takes naps, etc.). I know Adam could 'figure it out' if he had to- in the small chance he would get custody. But, I'm 'mama'! I don't have to figure any of it out because I already know! I'm trying not to worry, and I really do know that God is taking care of Aaron and knows what's in his best interest. I wish the hearing would come much faster than being over a month away...

Busy busy

It feels like an eternity since I posted anything! So much has been going on in the last couple of weeks. I was trying to work more hours at the church and looking for a 2nd part time job. Apparently that was not meant to happen though. Aaron has been really sick for a couple of weeks with trips to the doctor, ER, and back to the ENT. We finally figured out that one of his ear tubes had fallen out and that ear was already really infected after it only being out a couple of days. So the ear infection was causing him to have an upper respiratory infection (which lead to breathing treatments and me worrying he would get pneumonia again). After 2 weeks and almost $300 dollars later he is FINALLY getting better! Thank God!! I worry so much when he gets the slightest bit sick because I know he will be prone to getting pneumonia for the rest of his life. That's due to the fact that he arrived so early (I guess his lungs weren't as fully developed as we thought), and since he has already had it before he is more susceptible. It all just reminds me of my dad. Every single time to got sick he would get bronchitis and pneumonia. I really hope Aaron won't grow up with the same problems. Adam and I also got into a fight (more like a one sided fight since he was the only one to talk) about how he thinks it's my fault Aaron was sick and had an ear infection. I wanted to punch him, but I am not a violent person. I just think violently in my head sometimes... :) We are waiting for Aaron's other tube to fall out now. Probably around Christmas he will have surgery again to put some more in to help him not get more infections and to help his hearing as well. Also this week- My lawyer's office contacted me yesterday to let me know that Adam was served with the court papers at his work yesterday morning. Adam has not called or talked to me in a few days so I'm assuming he is mad. I asked him to give me his home address, but he didn't- so it's not my fault if he was embarrassed by being served at work. Right? I'm sure you all will be surprised to hear that I am relieved and happy about the divorce process started now. It makes me really sad that things did not work out, but I was not happy for a long time. It's best that we end things while we can still get along enough to communicate about Aaron. I am trying to have faith that God has more happiness for me sometime in the future. It's been hard, but I have noticed that I have already been happier since he has moved out. I can be myself and not get yelled at every single day over something stupid. No one has been here to control my every move or thought. I will have great things happen in my life again, and hopefully someone will love me again. In the meantime (and forever) Aaron is my priority. I would appreciate everyone's continuing prayers. You all really mean so much to me!

Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That's all I have to say at the moment. I'll write when I know what to say. My thoughts are just all over the place right now.

Rules: answer the following questions in 2 words or less.....

1. Where is your cell phone? -- beside me
2. Where is your significant other? -- n/a
3. Your haircolor? --brunette
4. Your mother? crazy
5. Your father? -- in Heaven
6. Your favorite thing? -- FRIENDS
7. Your dream last night? -- peaceful
8. Your dream/goal? -- provide for Aaron
9. The room you're in? -- my bedroom
10. Your hobby? -- math & crosswords
11. Your fear? -- being alone
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? -- owning a house
13. Where were you last night? -- at grandparents'
14. What you're not? -- content
15. One of your wish-list items? -- house
16. Where you grew up? -- Dallas, Aubrey
17. The last thing you did? -- ate food
18. What are you wearing? -- pajamas
19. Your TV? -- on FRIENDS
20. Your pet? --died :(
21. Your computer? -- new hp
22. Your mood? -- lonely
23. Missing someone? -- always
24. Your car? -- dirty
25. Something you're not wearing? -- shoes
27. Your summer? -- hot outside
28. Love someone? -- Aaron!
29. Your favorite color? -- blue & pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? -- today
31. When is the last time you cried? -- last week

Rules:list 6 things I value and 6 things I don't and then pass this award on to 6 people!

6 things I value:
1. God's love & forgiveness
2. Aaron
3. My family
4. My great friends
5. Music (it's my therapy)
6. My childhood

6 things I don't value:
1. feeling like I have to do things perfectly when that's not even possible
2. being treated like I'm stupid because I'm not
3. parents who don't take care of their children and don't realize what amazing gifts they are
4. being yelled at or talked down to for no reason
5. when people refuse to learn ENGLISH even though they are in AMERICA
6. immaturety



I pass this on to:

1. April
2. Lyndi

(those are the only ones that have not gotten this yet on my list)

Hoping for a better tomorrow

In several ways I am praying and planning for a better tomorrow. This blog is more specific to hoping Aaron does better tomorrow (Wednesday) at daycare than what he did on Monday. He has not been since April when he had his surgery, but he is back in the same class with the same kids at least. Monday he was only there for 4 hours. In that time, I was told that he growled and 'showed his muscles' to another child who was trying to take a ball from him. I was so embarrassed when one of his teachers told me that. I really hope Aaron does not become a bully. He usually shares really well, but the particular ball in question is Exactly the same as one he has at home. I'm hoping that's the only reason he was more protective over it and that he won't do that with everything. I had to go and help in his room for the last hour. He was terrible!! His teacher said he was worse when I was in there and that he was not like that before. I guess that's good...? A little boy came to sit in my lap, and Aaron pulled his arm and said, "NO, MY MAMA!". Then another child just spoke to me, and he went over to him and pushed him down. It was absolutely awful. He has always been so sweet with other children. I felt really sad that he was treating the others that way. I am hoping tomorrow afternoon he does much better and acts like the sweet Aaron I love :)

Emotional wreck

Aaron has been more whiny than usual (from getting some more teeth in I think), and each time he cries I just feel like breaking down and crying too. Just not for the same reasons as his. The last week and a half has been almost unbearable. Adam has continued to stay here while he waits for an apartment to open up, and I still wanted him to be able to get to work until he moves out. It's just been really hard to see him right across the room or whatever and to know and feel the lack of love he has for me now. It's been hard to not tell him each day that I love him, especially before he leaves for work. It was always so important to me that I tell him before he leaves to go anywhere in case something ever happened- I wanted him to know. And, now even though I feel so hurt by him I still love him, and I still want to tell him. But I know if I say it I will have to hear the words again "I don't love you anymore". How can that happen? Our first date was over 8 years ago. So much happened in the 6 years after our date and by the time we did get together. I loved him the whole time, all those years. I still do, and I will. Yet, he feels nothing. That just doesn't make sense to me. I would like to make sense of it. That's who I am and what I do. I think. I think until things make sense and I understand or at least understand to a point where I can accept it. I don't think I'm going to ever understand what's going on now though. The last few days he has asked me a few times "Are you okay?" I just say "yeah, I guess so." I really want to yell at him "No, I'm not okay!! You turned my life upside- down! You don't want to have our family anymore! So, no! Why would I be okay?!" I've never been a person to think yelling or arguing would ever do any good. So, I keep everything to myself. If he doesn't love me then why would he care to listen to what I had to say anyway? Unless it was about Aaron. It's hard to think that we will only have Aaron as a topic of all of our discussions from here on. We use to have so much to talk about. I don't want to not have Adam in our daily lives anymore. I don't want to think about him not being here, not ever giving Aaron a sibling, not ever getting our 'dream house' together, not having holidays together anymore. I don't want to be without him. I don't want to be alone forever either. If the father of my son can't even love me, then who ever will? Not that I want anyone else to. I want him to. I just want to cry like Aaron does when something is wrong, and have someone hold me and make it all better.

Ha

I would like to win money on the monopoly game at mcdonalds. Yes, that would be nice. Okay, The End.

I have little self control...

Okay, so I kinda made a bad decision and ordered some new clothes online at VS with my credit card with them. I haven't used it in almost a year and didn't owe anything on it. But, I thought it would make me feel a little happier if I bought myself a little something... Then I kept finding more stuff I liked. So I think I ended up ordering like 10 shirts and a pair of jeans in all. I can try justifying it that when I start working- I will have to have clothes. But, it's really not a good thing that I just spent money I don't have. Maybe if I only do that once a year, then it'll be okay... ughhh
Thanks to all of you who have sent messages and have been praying for me and us. I truly appreciate every one of you! I'm not saying going through with this divorce will be easy, and I didn't want it to begin with. I spend the first 3 days after Adam brought it up crying all day. I prayed that God would make it easier somehow, because I definitely did not want to cry every single day until everything is final. It did get easier, and I have not cried about it since Tuesday- but it got easier for me because Adam started being mean again and trying to fight. So, instead of me crying and being sad, I've just been mad. Somehow being mad helps though. I thought I should be proactive instead of just be upset. I have spoken with a lady at the church my mom works at (the same one I worked at until April). She is helping me find a job as soon as possible and going to make room for Aaron to be in their daycare too. She also set up a meeting for me to speak with my old boss there so I can work there again until something else comes along. The same day I met with her I (finally) received a note in the mail that FEMA was considering me for the position I applied for 3 weeks ago. I hope and pray the FEMA position works out! It will be 18/hour, compared to 7/hour I would get working at the church. 18/hour would still give me enough to pay the 800 a month for Aaron to be in daycare there. If I worked at the church I would get 50% discount for him, but even still I would end up making 4/hour there. That's so not going to cut it. Adam says he is going to help cover things for Aaron, but I just don't think he will be able to the way he spends money. So, I will figure out a way for myself alone to cover everything for him, and then when Adam helps then that's better. Deana (the one helping me find a job) and my mom spoke with a lawyer who is a member of the church next week. He offered to handle everything for me for free, except for court fees. That alone will save me 400/ hour that I meet with him. That's AWESOME. I thought I should go ahead and have a lawyer instead of just waiting for Adam to get one. Especially since Aaron will be our main focus, I don't want to just 'wait' and see what happens. I plan on having him all the time, except for Adam's 2 days off a week- he will have him those days. I really do not trust that He would be able to take care of Aaron for a whole week at a time every other week. I'm not trying to 'bash' him, but even the last few months Adam wouldn't watch Aaron long enough for me to get ready and go to the grocery store. So, I don't think I'm being mean about Aaron staying with me the majority of the time. Ahh, to think a week ago none of this stuff ever crossed my mind... It helps for me to write it all out and make sense of things in my head. I'm sorry for so many of my posts being negative. I will have positive things to write and share very soon! Thanks again for all of your prayers, I love you all and appreciate your friendships.

I just want to understand

I want to understand why someone can love you and then all of a sudden stop. Does it mean they never really did to begin with? I wanna know why Aaron and I aren't worth trying for. I want to know why someone wouldn't want to be in Aaron's life full-time. I want to understand how he thinks divorce is just as simple as clicking 'single' on his myspace account. I want to know why he wants to hurt me by staying at home with us for 2 weeks until an apartment is ready for him, but will stay out half the night every night just to make me worry and upset, so I can wonder what he's doing. I want to know why it's so easy for him to already be moving on when I can't even grasp the idea of being seperated yet. I want to understand why he thinks he will have enough money by himself to move out when we didn't have the money together to move out. Why would he not want us, not want out family? Why would he want to pass Aaron around for holidays and weekends, and have seperate birthday parties too? I want to know why I spent 6 years loving him before we even got together when our marriage won't last that long. I want to understand how all of this is part of God's plan somehow down the road, how and why all of this bad stuff will end up good. I know Aaron is a part of that plan. No, we didn't exactly go by God's plan when or how we had Aaron, but I know I was forgiven for that. And, I absolutely do not have any bad feelings or regrets on having my son. I know he won't be perfect, but at least for now he's a perfect little boy. I don't know what I would do without him. I've never been apart from him for more than 1 night at a time. It makes me feel sick thinking about Aaron going to stay with Adam for a week or weekend at a time. For the last year Adam hasn't even changed or fed him more than 2 times. Adam would get mad if I asked for him to get off the dang computer games to help me with Aaron. I don't know how all of a sudden he thinks he will be capable to do all the things with Aaron that I have done everyday, every night since he was born. I've been praying, and praying. I just want some kind of peace about it, even just a tiny bit. I know I need to be patient for God to do what He has planned, and I'm trying. It's just so hard, especially since it includes changing Aaron and I's entire lives.
I'm gonna stop for now because I think I would go on forever. I'm sorry that my posts recently (and probably following ones too) have been negative. I'm just trying to think out things and trying to find the positives in what's going on. Thanks to everyone for your prayers and thoughts. I really appreciate all of you thinking of us when ya'll have things going on in your own lives as well.

Stupidity and loneliness

I was just stupid to think things were getting better when really everything is falling apart. I still don't think it's real and that he will change his mind and stay, but he won't. I just want to go to sleep for a long time, and then it might all be over. Please pray for us- we really need it. He wants to move out this week. Since I haven't had a job in a while then I won't have any money for bills or anything really until I get a paycheck. I don't know what to do...

Traumatic Haircut

My mom and I took Aaron to get a much needed haircut today at Great Clips close to my house. I took him there once before for his 1st haircut on his 1st birthday- he did so great that time! Not a sound or wiggle made. Since then I've kinda just trimmed it up myself a little (not neccessarily really well but decent). Anyway, I thought I should take him this time for a 'real' cut. Silly me, thought he would do just like last time and be a perfect customer. Uhhhh- NO! One of my old classmates I went to school with was the one cutting his hair. I had to hold him, and my mom had to hold his head still. He twitched, wiggled, cried, and screamed the entire time! I was embarassed and kept apologizing to Ricky who was trying hard to cut only hair and no ears or anything important. It was just terrible; I think Aaron had his bottom lip down to his chin the whole time. Ricky did a very good job, especially considering how Aaron acted. As soon as it was over Aaron stopped crying and said 'thank you', as he slid down to the floor from the chair. Aye aye aye, he is dramatic at times. I don't know where he gets it...?? :)

I got a compliment :)

Haha, okay so this might seem weird to some of you and I really don't know how to explain, but I will anyway. I got a compliment today (actually, more like an observation). One of my very close friends saw my picture online that I now have on my blog as well. I took it just a few weeks ago when I got bored and decided to cut and dye my hair myself (which I kinda do often when I get bored). Anyway, I have not seen or spoken to this friend in a while, and she called to tell me that I looked like my dad in that picture. I know it's normal for a someone to look like their parents- but I took it as a compliment. There are few of my friends who actually knew or were around my dad, so mostly everyone thinks I resemble my mom or her family because that's the only comparison they can make. I don't know if I just really needed to be reminded of my dad or something today; it was really nice to hear that. I miss my dad (in fact I never called him 'dad' when he was alive- it was always 'daddy'). I miss him everyday, and it's so easy to get sad when I think of him not being here anymore. I guess being reminded today that parts of him are still here with me was really comforting. I take after him at times, and my gosh Aaron already reminds me of him so much sometimes! Aaron definitely takes after his 'Papa Ronny'. I don't know if it will seem strange that I talk to Aaron about his Papa that he won't even know or meet until he is in Heaven with him. I can't imagine not telling Aaron about him- that's his grandpa and I want him to know how wonderful he was and how much he would love Aaron. Now that I got my few tears in for the day... I will stop getting off subject and stop writing for now. Thanks to everyone who continues to read when I ramble :)

Getting back to 'us'...

Ahh- I'm so relieved! For months Adam and I just really have not been on the same page- but now, we are getting back to who we were again together. Thank God!! And, most of our problems weren't even because of each other. We both get super stressed out due to where we have been living and who we have been living with for over a year and a half now- My sister... We moved into the house my mom owns in Denton (where my sister lives) what we thought would be about 2 1/2 months before Aaron arrived. Our idea was to have that time to save our money before he came. That was not what God had planned for us. Aaron arrived 7 weeks early (only 2 weeks after we moved). Not much time for us to be able to save any money. Since he was so early I did not start working again until he was almost 5 months old. Anyway, what we had planned as living here maybe a year until we could have money to have our own place again, turned into "I don't feel like we will EVER get outta this place anytime soon!!". That's what causes us stress. We think optimistically for a moment- all our dreams and goals. Then reality sets in- To move ya have to have money, right? Darn it. Another issue is definitely living with my sister. She's not a horrible person, but we have never really been close or gotten along well- a big reason why I wanted to graduate early and why I moved out when I was 17. It really sucked having to live with her again. I don't mind cleaning and picking up after Adam or Aaron, but seriously she is getting closer to 30. She should be able to pick up her own trash and help clean. This is what a lot of Adam and I's arguements started out about. She has not miraculously started to do this stuff, but I started 'charging' for my cleaning services in a way I guess. Maybe not the best plan, however it does give me incentive to continue doing it so we don't have to live in trash. I begin to destress a little, in turn Adam does too. I prayed a lot about my relationship with Adam, and now we are finally connecting so much better. Not everything is fixed- we still have a lot to accomplish with each other, with Aaron, with money (which will lead to us being able to have a 2nd car and our own place to live again). I don't want to feel stressed about it anymore; I just want to make it better. I know I kinda went off track a little which I tend to do often. My point is- I'm glad things are getting better! And, without God and prayer I don't think that it would be possible. The End :)

Finally!

We FINALLY have internet at home!!! It's so exciting, as sad as that may be :) And, also I might finally be getting a job soon. The job at FEMA I applied to a couple weeks ago didn't work out because they finished hiring super fast. And, the teaching position at the preschool I didn't accept because my doctor said it would be too much stress on my body. So, I was really upset once again that it didn't look like I could get anything quickly. Yesterday, my aunt called who is high up at FEMA here in Denton and said they were opening up more positions today for the same thing I applied for before (only this time it's for 18/hr. instead of the 10/hr. it was before). I got everything I needed together and sent in first thing this morning. I really hope and pray that I get this, and that I can find a safe place for Aaron to be on short notice as well. Please pray for this. We've been getting further and further behind on bills, and I'm not sure how else to get back on top of things...

A Few of my Quirks

Sarah tagged me! I wont tag anyone because I dont know 7 people on here. I am on my cell phone- I cant do all the links and picture things. Here it goes ... 1. I hate mashed potatoes! It bothers Adam every single day I think that I wont eat them. I have texture issues with foods ;) 2. I organize and re-organize my cart at the grocery store each time I put something in it. I have been told its crazy but I still dont understand how someone would not organize the shopping cart! 3. Its impossible for me to sleep if our comforter or quilt is not right. I dont know why, but the top HAS to be at the top neatly. Adam tries to mess it up on purpose, and I really cant sleep- I have to fix it! 4. I fold clothes over and over again until I think they are perfect. 5. FRIENDS is my favorite show ever, so I watch it on dvds quite often- I say almost every line just as the actors do, and I still laugh at it even though I obviously knew what was about to happen. Because of this, nobody will watch it with me :( 6. I love math! More specifically, algebra. I would do it for entertainment ... 7. I clean the bottles of cleaners that I use to clean with. Again, I dont think this is weird really because why would anyone clean their whole house and then have dust and dirt all over the cleaning products? It looks tacky.

My Papa update

My grandpa 'Papa' was released from the hospital this afternoon.  After all kinds of tests (and some done several times over) the doctors still didn't know what caused him to pass out Saturday.  The way they spoke it seemed as if they were just accepting that he is older, has had past heart attacks, and has diabetes- sometimes things are going to happen to him with all of his problems...  I understand that, but it was not very comforting just to 'accept' that anything can happen and doctors can't do anything to help really.  On a good note- he says he feels just fine and doesn't know why anyone was worried.  I'm glad he is not in pain, but that doesn't mean that he is 'just fine'.  There are some questions as to what actually happened when he passed out at the grocery store.  Each time someone asked him he told a slightly different story than the one before.  My cousin spoke with the store manager today and she said that Papa didn't know his name, address, number, or what date it was.  It wasn't until the paramedics got there that they found a home number in his wallet to call my grandmother.  It's silly to think this way, but I always thought that since I didn't have my dad anymore that all of my grandparents would be around forever :)  Nice idea, but not realistic (and I know that).  Thanks to everyone who was praying for him, please continue to do so!  

Papa

My grandpa went into the er about 6pm saturday evening. For those who know him, he was pastor ken. He passed out and fell at the grocery store. 3 nurses were walking by at the same time and helped him- couldnt get luckier than that right? The 3 nurses and the store manager stayed with him until the ambulance got there. Once he was in the ambulance someone called my memi. Thankfully my cousin lives with them at the moment so she drove to the hospital in denton. My sister, adam, aaron and i were all there shortly too. They ran all sorts of tests. They still are not sure if it was from his heart or from his diabetes, or something else. I think he will stay at least til monday. I will update when i know more. Please pray for him and my grandmother too.

confusion

Yesterday I had an interview at a preschool, and it went great! I was asked to come back next monday to meet with the 2 and 3 year olds that i would have in my class and officially start later next week. I was really excited. It would not be just a job- i would make a difference in their lives. I love teaching that age. I would do my own lesson plans, get a budget for supplies i want to use, and its a christian preschool so i would do my own bible lessons for them too. I would know Aaron was somewhere i wanted him to be. My aunt also called yesterday and has a position for me at FEMA to make really good money, low stress, just answering phones, etc. Unfortunately, i have to consider it because my doctors 'suggested' i do not have a job where i am up on my feet and wearing on my body so much, in other words, they told me little stress and to sit and get an easy paycheck. Now im confused. Do i do what i want, or what i should do? I am open to any input :)

I haven't been on in a while...

Let's see... I got a call from my old boss at Summit Electric in Dallas.  They want me to come back to work the front desk, but are waiting for corporate to give the okay to hire.  I was told it might be a couple months.  Summit would be awesome to work for again!  They have great benefits, bonuses, extras around the holidays (which are coming soon), and they actually care about families :)  I would make great money, but would have to pay at least 800 a month for Aaron to be at a preschool.  I also got a call from a preschool that I applied at earlier this week- I have an interview there on Monday.  The lady said they do not need anyone right now full-time, but she likes my resume and references that she wants to hire me anyway.  So, that's good right?  Adam while on break at his job in the Irving mall today, got offered an assistant managers position for American Eagle (which is Aeropostale's competition).  From what they told him, it pays more than what he currently makes at Aero.  He is bringing home a packet of information tonight that they gave him to look over to decide if it would be a good switch or not.  AE is apparently opening a kids line of stores and women's lingerie line of stores in 2009, so now might be the time for him to get on with them right before they broaden their company.  Hmm, the car situation did not work out a couple of weeks ago unfortunately.  Our credit is too bad, so without a co-signer we cannot get approved for anything.  We only have 1,000.  I guess we will see what kind of car that can get us (that's a scary thought).  I've been praying this will all work out- a new job, a vehicle to get to that job, etc.  

Tomorrow

I'm not sure how it will turn out tomorrow, but possibly we might be getting (FINALLY) a 2nd car!  We have enough for a down payment.  And, with a 2nd car I can actually be able to get to a job.  I'm dreading going to the dealership though.  1) our credit really stinks.  Right after Aaron came Adam lost his job, and I was not working either.  So, a few things we had no choice but to put off on paying.  Not to mention, I was still trying to pay off credit cards Adam had not paid in 3 years before we were even together.  2) If we do get approved for one of the few vehicles I will agree to without having a ridiculous interest rate- we will have a car payment!  Which makes sense to have a car payment when you buy a car  lol.  But, I have always paid cash in full on both vehicles I have had before.  I'm really scared to have to make large payments on anything like that.  Most everyone makes payments though, so I guess it won't be so bad.  3) If we do get another car tomorrow- my mom will be furious!!!  I owe her money.  A lot of money.  If I go and buy Aaron clothes she gets mad I spent money.  So, a car?  I will never hear the end of it!  I know I should pay her back, but at the same time, I need a job in order to have the money to pay her back.  To have a job, I need a car, right?  I hope I'm not justifying it because I want one.  I really think it makes sense...  

August 24th

Today is my dad's birthday- i guess i should say would be his birthday if he were alive. He would be 59 this year. He was 47 when he died. Seems like so long ago, and it was so long long ago. A little over 11 years ago. This year it makes me really sad because when i turn 24 in a couple of months it means i have lived just as long without my dad here as i did with him. I dont know why that bothers me so much. I guess im afraid of forgetting, forgetting him, forgetting memories i have of him. I already forget some things, and i hate that. No matter how long it has been i miss him everyday just as much. I think the only reason some days are easier is because i have forgotten exact details of the last few days with him. Other things i remember so perfectly. The night before he passed my mom was taking my sister and i to our grandparents house which was close to the hospital. I told him we would be back at 9 am to see him. My mom let us sleep in and i hurried to get ready. We were 5 minutes late getting there and he was gone already. Being 12 i thought that he got tired of trying to hold on since we were late making it there. To this day, i cant stand being late anywhere. I guess in afraid of missing something important. I miss him so much, especially since i had aaron. My daddy would be the best grandpa. Aaron would love learning things from his papa. Im sorry this is not a happy entry. I had to let things out a little to see if it helps.

My job search

We decided that it's time for me to work again :(  I have not worked since the week Aaron had surgery in April.  Before I had Aaron I worked in Dallas in an office and made really good money.  Since he was about 4 1/2 months old I worked at a church daycare/preschool (when Adam lost his job last summer).  We really need the money so I need to work.  It's not that I mind working at all, in fact I enjoy and miss working.  I just don't think I can work somewhere other than daycares or preschools.  When I think of getting a 'real' job again, I can't stand the thought of Aaron being taken care of by strangers!  I know I'm probably over-reacting because everybody who has children takes them to daycares just about, and they are fine.  Since I have worked in them before I know what kinds of people there are taking care of children.  Some are the most caring and loving people- others.... well, should not be allowed to step foot inside the doors.  For instance, at the church daycare I left in April- there is a worker there that on more than one occasion left 2 year olds alone locked in a bathroom with the lights off while she took the rest of her class into another building.  A janitor found the child later on.  She is related to one of our bosses so she is still working there.  And, then a month or so ago in Denton a 5 year old boy walked out the doors of his preschool and across highway 35 and into the Hooters restaurant.  Nobody noticedhe was missing until Hooters employees called police.  Stories like that just make me feel sick to my stomach.  I don't know how or if I can just pick a place and leave Aaron with strangers... It scares me to death!  Adam thinks I'm crazy, but I have seen what can go on without parents knowing what happens with their children during the day when they are not around.  I'm sorry for the bad stories- I'm not meaning to freak anyone out whose children do stay in the care of others.  I feel like I needed to vent about this so I can think and figure out what to do about a job.

Yay

Aaron went pee in his little potty tonight after he got out of the bathtub! He looked at it afterwards with his mouth opened wide and said ' oh wow' ... It was funny. I doubt it will always be this easy getting him to use the potty especially since he always tells me while he is going instead of before. But he did good tonight. He gets so proud of himself when he does new things- im proud of my little guy too :) just wanted to share.

Job Offer

Yesterday Adam, Aaron, and I went to walk around the Vista Ridge Mall.  I always beg Adam to let us go into the Select Comfort store to try the sleep number beds (finally he agreed!).  They are the greatest beds ever- by the way!!  The manager there heard him talk about how he was a manager in retail and begged him to apply online today that they would have an opening at the beginning of September.  It's base pay is about 3k more than what he currently gets at Aero, plus commission, plus personal and store bonuses, plus help covering gas prices... And he would also get discounts!  On top of his discount (assuming he will be working there) due to my health issues, my doctor can write me a prescription to have all the taxes taken off as well.  I don't want him to work somewhere just for a discount on what he sells, but it's definitely a bonus!!  This seems so easy- us just walking into a store and him getting offered a position- too good to be true.  I pray this works out...  

July 4th continued

The officer acted like adam could get in trouble for having a knife, but would not do anything about the neighbor trying to break in. Later that day i contacted a friend of mine who works crime scene investigations here in denton. He said to contact internal affairs and get dna testing done on the blood that was left in our driveway. It took us calling and leaving messages everyday for a week before anyone returned our calls. They said the officer didnt turn in any papers even stating he had been at our house on that call, then immediately went on vacation. They apologized and said since the officer handled it wrong, there was not anything they could do. That neighbor sits everyday on his porch and watches everyone. He knows who leaves at what times and that i am home alone with Aaron without a car everyday. With this and being mugged about 3 months ago, i never feel safe anymore. I have not been in public without someone else since may, and now i hate staying home alone too. I wish i felt that denton was safer, but i dont trust the police here. I really hope we can find a way to move soon. Im sorry, i know i just wrote a whole lot. But i feel better talking about things.

July 4th

I remembered today it has been exactly a month since the 4th of july. Im sure most of you were having fun and celebrating. I wish we had gotten to do that. About 2 a.m. that morning, when normally we would be asleep, i was watching tv and adam had his headphones on while he played some computer game. I heard something outside- we have ivy all in the front of our house and it makes lots of noise. Then i heard someone knocking on the window in Aarons room. I hit adam and told him to go get Aaron out of his room. Normally he would ask questions but he didnt this time, he just did it. Then i told him to get his knife that he keeps in our room. At that moment we heard glass from a window at the other end of the house breaking. My sister screamed and ran into the room where Aaron and i were while adam with his knife went out the front door to find what was going on. We called 911, and stayed on the line for half an hour before anyone came. Adam in the meantime had caught the guy trying to get into our house. He broke glass on the garage door, cutting his arm pretty bad. Then went to our car to break into it. Leaving blood everywhere. Never made it inside. Adam had his knife on the guy when the police finally arrived. He was on drugs it was obvious. And he is a neighbor unfortunately. The policeman said he had bigger things to do and there was no proof it was that guy- hello, his blood everywhere and the fact adam caught him! He said he could give him a ticket but refused to arrest.

Hormones

I finally was able to refill 3 of my 5 prescriptions this weekend, one of which was my thyroid medicine, after being off of everything for almost 6 weeks. Things with our car and everything else kept coming up so our money had to go elsewhere. After 6 weeks my hormones were driving me crazy and leaving me exhausted everyday for no reason. So i am so very excited that i am starting to feel like myself again! I was also able to get my pain/anti-inflamitory medicines for my joints. I have taken pain prescriptions of some kind everyday for almost 6 years now i think. Every couple of months my doctors switch what kinds so i wont be addicted. Ever since Aaron was born i have tried to not take them as much, i was scared it would affect my ability to take care of him. But most days i HAVE to take them, if i dont im not able to physically do what i need to for him. I really wish and hope and pray that my doctors and surgeons can figure out everything that is wrong and do something about it so i wont have to live on so many medications. My tests came back positive for artistis and lupus, but they dont know which because they both will show on the tests they did. Now i am just waiting to do more tests to determine if its both or either. My mri shows all of my joints might require surgeries if they dont tighten how they were meant to when i was still growing- which i have not grown in a very long time :) still short, but thats ok. I will write updates on this when i have mine

A little relief / Aaron in pull-ups

thank you everyone who was praying for me! Amazing how quickly prays can be answered when i am not the only one praying about something. I feel so much relief with things that were really stressing me out. Adam and i would still be much better if we were not living in the same house as my sister- but for now free rent is all we can afford. Im thankful my mom owns the house and we have it to stay in when we need to, and ... We need to. Its difficult for another person to live here when im trying to have my little family here too. If Aaron cries, my sister calls my mom, my mom calls my grandparents, then everyone in the family is calling wanting to know why Aaron is crying- when it could be i changed him and he didnt want me to. I get tired of everyone telling me how to raise and take care of my son. Its frustrating. After almost 18 months now, i know my son and have since he was born better than any other person. So i wish that i would not be second guessed. Speaking of : Aaron started wearing pull-ups yesterday! Yay! He has already used the toilet for months now before baths, but now the real training begins ... He comes and tells me every time he starts to pee - i know everyone wants to read stories about pee. Ha ha so im sorry i dont have interesting stories :) i hope im not expecting this to be easier than what it will actually be to train him.

MY OWN KIND OF THERAPY

I plan on writing here some as often as i can. I only have internet on my cell phone, so we will see how much i can do on here. Since i just started yesterday i dont think anyone will be reading anything i say yet. By the way, how do i get people to read mine?! I feel like everything is so broken in our lives right now, and we are struggling so much with many things. Ive been praying for a while now that GOD will show me what to do or how to be- so far, im not sure HE has gotten back to me on that, or im not sure i understood if HE did. Thats what scares me- if HE is trying to tell me and im just not understanding yet, will HE just give up on trying to get it through to me? In my heart i know GOD will continue to show me until well HE hits me in the face with it, to be blunt. But sometimes i think, if i were telling the same person over and over and they still were not listening, i would give up! So we are all lucky that i am not GOD! in a way i hope that by writing and hopefully getting a little feedback that this will be a kind of therapy for me. As silly as that might sound. I believe GOD works through HIS followers in so many ways.

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1st Blog

My very first blog- I'm sure I will get the hang of this after a couple.  For now, I guess I'll just write a little about my family.  I've been married to my husband Adam for 2 years now- Yes, his name is Adam West (Batman).  That's how everyone remembers him.  We have a son Aaron who will be 18 months in just a couple of weeks.  Even though we were told my pregnancy would be considered 'high risk' it was a relatively easy pregnancy.  I was sick all but about 5 weeks of it though.  And, due to complications Aaron arrived 7 weeks early by c-section.  He was in the NICU for 8 days.  We were told he would have to stay for 6-7 weeks, so 8 days was nothing compared to what we had thought.  His lungs were much stronger than they originally thought, and he pulled every breathing and feeding tube out himself.  They very quickly realized he could do everything a full- term baby could- he was just very small at 4 lbs. 13 oz. and 17 3/4 inches long, he was all muscle!  I think of him as a little miracle from God!  God knew Aaron would need to be strong to be that small.  Now he is 23 lbs. and doing great!  No signs of prematurity.  He has done things and picked up on things quicker that what we were told he would.  We have had our share of emergency visits with him over the last year and a half though; ear tubes, allergies, pneumonia to name a few.  But, he is amazing and has not had any complications from them much.  Hmm... like I said 'everything I write will most likely all be about Aaron' and it was...