Tomorrow

I'm not sure how it will turn out tomorrow, but possibly we might be getting (FINALLY) a 2nd car!  We have enough for a down payment.  And, with a 2nd car I can actually be able to get to a job.  I'm dreading going to the dealership though.  1) our credit really stinks.  Right after Aaron came Adam lost his job, and I was not working either.  So, a few things we had no choice but to put off on paying.  Not to mention, I was still trying to pay off credit cards Adam had not paid in 3 years before we were even together.  2) If we do get approved for one of the few vehicles I will agree to without having a ridiculous interest rate- we will have a car payment!  Which makes sense to have a car payment when you buy a car  lol.  But, I have always paid cash in full on both vehicles I have had before.  I'm really scared to have to make large payments on anything like that.  Most everyone makes payments though, so I guess it won't be so bad.  3) If we do get another car tomorrow- my mom will be furious!!!  I owe her money.  A lot of money.  If I go and buy Aaron clothes she gets mad I spent money.  So, a car?  I will never hear the end of it!  I know I should pay her back, but at the same time, I need a job in order to have the money to pay her back.  To have a job, I need a car, right?  I hope I'm not justifying it because I want one.  I really think it makes sense...  

August 24th

Today is my dad's birthday- i guess i should say would be his birthday if he were alive. He would be 59 this year. He was 47 when he died. Seems like so long ago, and it was so long long ago. A little over 11 years ago. This year it makes me really sad because when i turn 24 in a couple of months it means i have lived just as long without my dad here as i did with him. I dont know why that bothers me so much. I guess im afraid of forgetting, forgetting him, forgetting memories i have of him. I already forget some things, and i hate that. No matter how long it has been i miss him everyday just as much. I think the only reason some days are easier is because i have forgotten exact details of the last few days with him. Other things i remember so perfectly. The night before he passed my mom was taking my sister and i to our grandparents house which was close to the hospital. I told him we would be back at 9 am to see him. My mom let us sleep in and i hurried to get ready. We were 5 minutes late getting there and he was gone already. Being 12 i thought that he got tired of trying to hold on since we were late making it there. To this day, i cant stand being late anywhere. I guess in afraid of missing something important. I miss him so much, especially since i had aaron. My daddy would be the best grandpa. Aaron would love learning things from his papa. Im sorry this is not a happy entry. I had to let things out a little to see if it helps.

My job search

We decided that it's time for me to work again :(  I have not worked since the week Aaron had surgery in April.  Before I had Aaron I worked in Dallas in an office and made really good money.  Since he was about 4 1/2 months old I worked at a church daycare/preschool (when Adam lost his job last summer).  We really need the money so I need to work.  It's not that I mind working at all, in fact I enjoy and miss working.  I just don't think I can work somewhere other than daycares or preschools.  When I think of getting a 'real' job again, I can't stand the thought of Aaron being taken care of by strangers!  I know I'm probably over-reacting because everybody who has children takes them to daycares just about, and they are fine.  Since I have worked in them before I know what kinds of people there are taking care of children.  Some are the most caring and loving people- others.... well, should not be allowed to step foot inside the doors.  For instance, at the church daycare I left in April- there is a worker there that on more than one occasion left 2 year olds alone locked in a bathroom with the lights off while she took the rest of her class into another building.  A janitor found the child later on.  She is related to one of our bosses so she is still working there.  And, then a month or so ago in Denton a 5 year old boy walked out the doors of his preschool and across highway 35 and into the Hooters restaurant.  Nobody noticedhe was missing until Hooters employees called police.  Stories like that just make me feel sick to my stomach.  I don't know how or if I can just pick a place and leave Aaron with strangers... It scares me to death!  Adam thinks I'm crazy, but I have seen what can go on without parents knowing what happens with their children during the day when they are not around.  I'm sorry for the bad stories- I'm not meaning to freak anyone out whose children do stay in the care of others.  I feel like I needed to vent about this so I can think and figure out what to do about a job.

Yay

Aaron went pee in his little potty tonight after he got out of the bathtub! He looked at it afterwards with his mouth opened wide and said ' oh wow' ... It was funny. I doubt it will always be this easy getting him to use the potty especially since he always tells me while he is going instead of before. But he did good tonight. He gets so proud of himself when he does new things- im proud of my little guy too :) just wanted to share.

Job Offer

Yesterday Adam, Aaron, and I went to walk around the Vista Ridge Mall.  I always beg Adam to let us go into the Select Comfort store to try the sleep number beds (finally he agreed!).  They are the greatest beds ever- by the way!!  The manager there heard him talk about how he was a manager in retail and begged him to apply online today that they would have an opening at the beginning of September.  It's base pay is about 3k more than what he currently gets at Aero, plus commission, plus personal and store bonuses, plus help covering gas prices... And he would also get discounts!  On top of his discount (assuming he will be working there) due to my health issues, my doctor can write me a prescription to have all the taxes taken off as well.  I don't want him to work somewhere just for a discount on what he sells, but it's definitely a bonus!!  This seems so easy- us just walking into a store and him getting offered a position- too good to be true.  I pray this works out...  

July 4th continued

The officer acted like adam could get in trouble for having a knife, but would not do anything about the neighbor trying to break in. Later that day i contacted a friend of mine who works crime scene investigations here in denton. He said to contact internal affairs and get dna testing done on the blood that was left in our driveway. It took us calling and leaving messages everyday for a week before anyone returned our calls. They said the officer didnt turn in any papers even stating he had been at our house on that call, then immediately went on vacation. They apologized and said since the officer handled it wrong, there was not anything they could do. That neighbor sits everyday on his porch and watches everyone. He knows who leaves at what times and that i am home alone with Aaron without a car everyday. With this and being mugged about 3 months ago, i never feel safe anymore. I have not been in public without someone else since may, and now i hate staying home alone too. I wish i felt that denton was safer, but i dont trust the police here. I really hope we can find a way to move soon. Im sorry, i know i just wrote a whole lot. But i feel better talking about things.

July 4th

I remembered today it has been exactly a month since the 4th of july. Im sure most of you were having fun and celebrating. I wish we had gotten to do that. About 2 a.m. that morning, when normally we would be asleep, i was watching tv and adam had his headphones on while he played some computer game. I heard something outside- we have ivy all in the front of our house and it makes lots of noise. Then i heard someone knocking on the window in Aarons room. I hit adam and told him to go get Aaron out of his room. Normally he would ask questions but he didnt this time, he just did it. Then i told him to get his knife that he keeps in our room. At that moment we heard glass from a window at the other end of the house breaking. My sister screamed and ran into the room where Aaron and i were while adam with his knife went out the front door to find what was going on. We called 911, and stayed on the line for half an hour before anyone came. Adam in the meantime had caught the guy trying to get into our house. He broke glass on the garage door, cutting his arm pretty bad. Then went to our car to break into it. Leaving blood everywhere. Never made it inside. Adam had his knife on the guy when the police finally arrived. He was on drugs it was obvious. And he is a neighbor unfortunately. The policeman said he had bigger things to do and there was no proof it was that guy- hello, his blood everywhere and the fact adam caught him! He said he could give him a ticket but refused to arrest.

Hormones

I finally was able to refill 3 of my 5 prescriptions this weekend, one of which was my thyroid medicine, after being off of everything for almost 6 weeks. Things with our car and everything else kept coming up so our money had to go elsewhere. After 6 weeks my hormones were driving me crazy and leaving me exhausted everyday for no reason. So i am so very excited that i am starting to feel like myself again! I was also able to get my pain/anti-inflamitory medicines for my joints. I have taken pain prescriptions of some kind everyday for almost 6 years now i think. Every couple of months my doctors switch what kinds so i wont be addicted. Ever since Aaron was born i have tried to not take them as much, i was scared it would affect my ability to take care of him. But most days i HAVE to take them, if i dont im not able to physically do what i need to for him. I really wish and hope and pray that my doctors and surgeons can figure out everything that is wrong and do something about it so i wont have to live on so many medications. My tests came back positive for artistis and lupus, but they dont know which because they both will show on the tests they did. Now i am just waiting to do more tests to determine if its both or either. My mri shows all of my joints might require surgeries if they dont tighten how they were meant to when i was still growing- which i have not grown in a very long time :) still short, but thats ok. I will write updates on this when i have mine

A little relief / Aaron in pull-ups

thank you everyone who was praying for me! Amazing how quickly prays can be answered when i am not the only one praying about something. I feel so much relief with things that were really stressing me out. Adam and i would still be much better if we were not living in the same house as my sister- but for now free rent is all we can afford. Im thankful my mom owns the house and we have it to stay in when we need to, and ... We need to. Its difficult for another person to live here when im trying to have my little family here too. If Aaron cries, my sister calls my mom, my mom calls my grandparents, then everyone in the family is calling wanting to know why Aaron is crying- when it could be i changed him and he didnt want me to. I get tired of everyone telling me how to raise and take care of my son. Its frustrating. After almost 18 months now, i know my son and have since he was born better than any other person. So i wish that i would not be second guessed. Speaking of : Aaron started wearing pull-ups yesterday! Yay! He has already used the toilet for months now before baths, but now the real training begins ... He comes and tells me every time he starts to pee - i know everyone wants to read stories about pee. Ha ha so im sorry i dont have interesting stories :) i hope im not expecting this to be easier than what it will actually be to train him.