Patience

I feel like I'm going crazy! One of my bosses at work last week said, "You sure seem to have lots of drama going on in your life, but you don't seem like a dramatic person, nor does it ever seem to bother you". I guess that's a compliment, right? I find it funny. I feel like everything is crazy and like I can't get things straight in my head. There's so much going on, and sometimes I feel that I can't handle it. It was nice to know that my bosses and co-workers don't know all of that. I guess I usually only share details with a few select people of what's going on in my life. Lately, it seems I have fewer of those to confide in than I use to though. Upcoming court dates in January and February are on my mind every single day; scheduling off work, finding a sub, getting all the paperwork together I have to take to court, and preparing myself to keep my composure as well. Anything having to do with my son's future makes me get emotional- as I'm sure it does almost every parent. There's a reason I said almost every parent. I remember in 2002 when I was with my youth group here in Denton at our Jr./Sr. event, one of my friends who was a Jr. presented me with a Fruit of the Spirit Award- Patience. It always struck me as strange because I never considered myself to be very patient. I certainly don't feel like I have much patience right now. My seperation has lasted over 14 months now, and my divorce started 12 months ago. Finally, I have a real (can't be postponed) court date to finalize the divorce. I'm starting to feel relieved that I have something to look forward to. There are so many things I once had planned for my life, and all of those same things are what I still want. It's definitely going to happen differently that what I originally planned. I still want everything on my 'list' for Aaron and myself, more so now than I ever have before I think. Which brings me back to the patience... I want to start making a difference and checking some of those things off NOW! I don't want to wait any longer. I want to change and get things done now. I don't want to have to wait to find love again, which directly relates to wanting more children and a whole family again. Yes, I realize I do have to wait no matter what I plan. God's plan is the one that matters. I just wish that sometimes it was my plan too. That would be nice :) I also wish I didn't have to wait for a house, a backyard Aaron can have a tree house in, spending weekends with Aaron AND a completely wonderful guy who loves us both and wants a future with us, and all the stuff that follows. I want to build my own house. I want to physically help build my own house. I've always wanted to do that- my dad put all sorts of those dreams in my head and taught me how to do some of it too. My dreams will have to wait, hopefully not for long though. I know I need patience because I have no choice! If anybody has words of wisdom please share :)

Nice

I was kind of not looking forward to last weekend because I had volunteered to work on Saturday night for Parents' Night Out at the school. I love the kids of course, but it just makes my weekend feel nonexistent sometimes. The last time I did one a couple of months ago I ended up having 9 kids under 18 months old for 4 hours. It was exhausting to say the least! This time I only had 3 which was a pleasant surprise. And, I made a little extra money which is always nice. Some unexpected things came up afterwards, and I had a really good time. Interesting weekend :)

My Prayers

I realize that I really haven't posted much over the last several months. Adam and I have been separated for almost a year now (and, no the divorce still isn't finalized unfortunately). There have been so many times over the last several months that I have wanted and felt that I needed to write here, not so much for people to read about my personal life, but so that I may feel better after expressing my innermost feelings. I know and love that all of you would have encouraging words to say. That is definitely not the reason why I haven't been posting when I have wanted to. It's just that I have been trying my absolute hardest this last year to not speak too negatively about Adam for many reasons. 1) Obviously because he is the father of my son. I never want Aaron to overhear or think a certain way about his father just because I have. 2) Our divorce still isn't final and won't be for a while. Anything I say can be used against me in court. 3) I know and believe that any negative remarks I may have will just reflect on my character as well as his. 4) I am trying so desperately to be the best person and christian I can be in spite of everything that has been going on for the last year and a half or so.
Sorry, that was a little detour I suppose than what I originally began writing for. I will continue ...
Things have been difficult and easier at the same time since last fall. Lots of things have happened since then. And, I think I was hurt and then allowed myself to be hurt again too quickly afterwards. The last couple of months the loneliness really started to sink in for me. I have wanted to just be able to find someone again. The truth is though, that I don't feel like being hurt anymore. In my prayers the last couple of weeks I have been asking God to take away my wants and desires to find companionship, love, all of it away. This may be selfish of me to ask that God remove the idea from my thinking. I don't know. That's just how I've felt lately.

"The Biggest Loser"

"The Biggest Loser"'s new season started this Monday. I record everything on my DVR so I just watched it tonight (I know I'm a little late). I have never watched a whole season of the show, but this season is VERY special to me. Most of you know that I grew up in Aubrey and went to school there until I started homeschooling to finish high school. It was and still is a small town, so I think as students we were able to know most of our teachers better (and vice versa for that matter) than at larger schools. One of my favorite teachers I had in the 10 years at Aubrey was Rick Rike. He wasn't a whole lot older than us and was a little easier to relate to. In high school I had him for my AP English class. The very first day he told us that he believed we were smarter already therefore he didn't think we needed to do as much work. I think the whole class loved him immediately for that! We did work when it was needed and still took harder tests than the normal English classes, but we had so much fun too. I remember how we all memorized every line to Forrest Gump during the first semester! Haha. Anyway, I could go on FOREVER telling different stories. I'll get on with my reason for posting...
Abby Rike, his wife is on this season of The Biggest Loser. If you have watched it already this week you have heard her story. Mr.Rike was in their van with her 5 year old daughter and their 2 1/2 week old son when another driver going 100 mph hit them and killed all 3 in October 2006. I received a phone call on that day about an hour after it happened from a friend telling me. It completely broke my heart then. And, my heart broke all over again after watching Abby tell the story on TV tonight. Mr.Rike was an awesome person and teacher. Abby is absolutely amazing for continuing on like she has. I could NOT imagine having a whole family, and then losing it all in one moment like that.

In need of some prayers

I know I've said this a LOT over the last several months- I can't say much about it, but I'm almost certain we will be going to court over Aaron during the divorce. Please, please, please keep Aaron and I in your prayers over the next few months.

Good news and Bad news

Bad news- Things have been AWFUL at work lately. I found out almost a month ago that Adam hadn't had a job in a while and that the last child support I got over a month ago would be my last to receive most likely for a while. When I found out, I called my boss to tell her that I was sorry, but I would HAVE to look for something that paid better since I couldn't depend on getting child support or anything else from Adam. She seemed very understanding at the time and said to let her know if and when I got interviews so that she could schedule me off at those times. Then, about 2 weeks ago she passed out new schedules at work (my schedule has been the same 8:45am to 4:45pm Monday- Friday since last October). Well, it was changed and had be cut back to 30 hours instead of 40. I wasn't very happy. Last Thursday she passed out another new schedule starting at the beginning of this week. It had me only scheduled for 12 hours. 12 HOURS?! I immediately asked if there was a reason, and the reply I got was, "Well, I don't have an answer for you yet. When I think of something, I'll get back to you". I asked the same thing the next day, and the answer was still the same. NOT HAPPY! Plus, they have been sending me home even earlier than what is on the schedule. I have only gotten 5 1/2 hours this week, and I don't think they will let me work the whole 4 hours they have me scheduled for tomorrow. GRrr... GOOD NEWS- I met again with another preschool, for I think the 3rd time (spanning over the last year almost). I told them that it was not neccessary for me to give 2 weeks notice to my current employer anymore since they are hardly giving me any hours. So, I will start Monday!! I'm sooooooo incredibly happy to be leaving the church!!! There are so many things that are wrong with how things run there. For the summer I will be working with a class that is just a little younger than Aaron. Starting in the fall I will be teaching a 3-4 year old class- which I'm really excited about! I will be making more money, hopefully be in a better environment, Aaron will be in a good place and well taken care of, I will get paid vacation/sick days, and all meals are provided for Aaron and me too. They are making room for Aaron to be there, so I'm pretty sure they really want me there :) Oh, and I get breaks. At the church we didn't get breaks. I still won't have health insurance for myself or for Aaron. I'm trying to figure out that part right now. I sent in another application for Medicaid earlier this week. I know Aaron will be approved, which is the most important thing. I hope they approve me too. Without insurance I can't afford to go to the doctor to do my usual tests every 2-3 months like I'm supposed to. I'm praying that everything starts working itself out.

REALLY?!

Ahhhhh!!! Why does so many negative things have to happen at once? I FINALLY get to where I'm content and happy and focused on the right things, and then 5 bad things happen all at the same time. I'm tired. Stressed. I just need a break. And, I want to talk like I always have to my good friends who have always been there for me, but (I know I've said it before) I can't talk about any of the specifics going on yet. I hate that. As soon as the divorce is final maybe I can talk and be open about everything going on now and that happened in the past. I can't wait for it to be over. Please continue to pray for me and Aaron too.

I need to learn when to give up

Just minutes after my last post-

I have the smartest, sweetest little boy! Somehow that makes everything seem better :)
He just handed me a dollar and then pointed and said "George Washington, Mommy"
I showed him a one dollar bill once the other day and told him that was George Washington. It's amazing how fast he picks things up! He also will tell you our whole address if you ask him where he lives. I know I'm a bit biast maybe, but do other 2 year olds know those things?

Another note-
Aaron and I will be in Arlington this weekend visiting with my mother-in-law and brother-in-law while he is in town. Ben leaves for Iraq in a few weeks again. Please pray for our holiday together with Adam's family. Adam is bringing his girlfriend there too. Not really looking forward to spending all day with them both. I have other comments and thoughts on that subject, but I should not share publicly (even though I would speak individually with someone if asked). I'm trying! It's hard to keep my mouth shut, but I am trying! Anyway, I hope it's not too awkward. I enjoy spending time with my mother and brother-in-laws, and I want Aaron to be able to see them just as he does mine.

I really want to talk about some things and why I wrote my last post. I just don't think it's the right time yet.

I should have trusted my first instincts.

Aaron's surgery

Aaron went in for his surgery this morning bright and early (well, it was still dark outside when we got there). They started about 8:15. I think they finished in the OR at 9:20. It took him about 15 minutes to come out of the anestesia. When he did, he was waling! It wasn't his normal cry- it was like he was trying to cry and scream, but his voice wasn't working the same, so it was a deep broken cry. Very pitiful. The surgeon said everything went as planned in the OR. They put in the new tubes and removed his adnoids (his tonsils looked good, so they didn't remove those). As soon as it was over and he was awake his asthma started to act up pretty bad. They rushed in and put him on oxygen for about 10-15 minutes. Then he had to do a breathing treatment after that. The dr was afraid to take his IV out too soon, so Aaron had to keep it in for the next few hours. HE did NOT like it! As long as I kept it covered up with a blanket, he was fine. If he saw it, then he would start shaking and screaming. His heart rate kept getting extremely high, which was scary. We finally figured out that he was fine. It only would go up when the dr and nurses would come into the room. He was scared they would do something to him I guess. Once that was under control I could breathe again. We stayed 6 hours in all at the hospital. It was awful! I hope that this all helps him be a healthy little boy!! Nothing makes me feel worse as a mom than watching Aaron be sick all the time and not be able to 'fix it'. He's had a hard little life for someone so young :( When we got home Aaron started to look for his little puppy dog. Which we left at the Hospital! He cried and cried. He pulled everything out of his bad while calling out "doggie! doggie! where'd you go doggie?". Nobody could get up there to get it today, so I called and asked that they hold it for me to pick up tomorrow. The nurse who answered the phone said she had it in her lap. Her name was Carmen, and she told me she lived right by our street and wanted to bring it to us when she got off of work. She lives 2 houses down from us. She is one of the sweetest women! I was so thankful to have Aaron's little dog back before bedtime!! I'm going to think of something nice to do for her soon. Thanks to all of you who were praying for him today! We still have 3 weeks ahead of trying to get him to take it easy and not play outside. That will be really tough, but the hardest part is behind us now.

just what I needed... or not

My car Cali is broken! (yes, my car has a name). It's still sitting in a parking lot because I didn't know where to tow it to yet. Even if I knew where to take it, I wouldn't have the money to fix it. On top of everything else going on this week, I really didn't need to be without a car. I wish not everything had to happen at once. I handle things better one thing at a time. I feel completely overwhelmed right now, and I would like it to go away...

Prayer Request

If everything goes as planned (and if I can keep Aaron well for the next few days) he is scheduled to have surgery on Wednesday. He will be getting his 2nd set of ear tubes, and they will also be removing his adnoids. I don't think they will be removing his tonsils, but it's a possibility. I know in the long run it will help him stay well. I still can't help but worry. So please pray for him (and if it's not too selfish, for me too- I will be waiting at the hospital with Adam and his girlfriend ... ). The surgery is supposed to take about an hour. Afterwards he has to stay at least 4 hours to be monitored. He will have to have pain medication for several days after the surgery. The surgeon said it's possible that the pain medicine could make him sick. Aaron will not be able to be outside or to play and run around for about 3 weeks. If he gets excited and runs or plays too much, or if his allergies outside bother him, then the scab inside from the adnoids could come loose and his nose will bleed- a LOT I'm told. I really don't know how to keep a 2 year old boy calm for 3 weeks! I will try my best, but I'm just not sure how to accomplish that for so long. I'm hoping that allergies won't be too bad, and that Aaron's asthma won't give him problems during those 3 weeks. I'm trying to work out now a way for Aaron to not go back to school/daycare for that whole time. My mom is taking off work next Thursday and Friday to keep him. Adam said he would take off some to keep him, however I kinda doubt that will actually happen. My mom and Adam both have paid sick/personal days, and I don't. I will take off any time neccessary to give Aaron the most time to heal. I've already missed over 2 weeks of work in the last 6 weeks, and it's getting a little more difficult with money. Please pray that Aaron can heal quickly, and that I can miss as little work as possible. While you're at it- go ahead and pray for anything and everything else too ;) I will try to post how his surgery goes as soon as I can.

I'm still not ready to say too much about personal stuff going on with me. I have lots I would like to talk about, but I don't feel that I should say anything negative about Adam. So, that makes my 'venting' a little hard to do. The divorce was supposed to be final in February, but the lawyer keeps wanting more money before they finish all the papers. I'm not really sure when it will all be final now. Things were better and easier for a while at first. Lately, it's all been harder. I think too much and then worry too much...

my car is all better

It's been a month since the lady hit my car. I got it last night, and it's all fixed and pretty again! My friend Josh did it all for me, and it was less than half of the insurance money I got. (so I can use the rest for bills and drs coming up). That's a huge help! I'm so thankful he wanted to fix everything, and for less than anyone else would be able to. While he was working on my car, I've had his truck for the last 3 weeks, which Aaron absolutely loved! He could see everything while we drove. Last night when I picked Aaron up in my car from my mom's house he just shook his head and said 'no mama'. I think he was waiting for Josh's truck before he would agree to go home. It was cute.

Short update- kind of..

So much has been going on lately, but I still don't feel comfortable talking about any of it. As soon as I do, you guys will be the first to read...

Aaron was really sick again this week. It was a stressful week full of minor emergency visits, and part of Thursday night in the emergency room at the hospital. His breathing was not really good, and had been wheezing and coughing horribly. He has bronchitis again :( Despite my attempts at giving him his breathing treatments at home- they weren't seeming to help at all. Thankfully at the hospital they gave him a stronger dosage of the medicine for his breathing that helped a lot! Today was the first day he started to smile and act more like himself. I'm soooooo thankful he is getting better! Nothing makes me feel more helpless as a mother than when Aaron gets so sick. I hate not being able to make him better just by holding and kissing him.

I guess I'm bored too, thanks Sarah for giving me something to do!

ABC's of me

A
- Available: not sure how to answer this... I'm dating someone so No, I'm not available... ?
- Age: 24
- Annoyance: when people have absolutely no common sense it drives me crazy
- Animal: puppy dogs, I want one sooooo bad!!
B
- Birthday: October 28th, 1984
- Best Friends: lots of them, they know who they are
- Body Part on opposite sex: eyes, and hands even though ya'll are gonna think I'm retarded for saying that haha
- Best feeling in the world: when Aaron runs up to me, hugs my legs and gives me a kiss! he is so sweet (most of the time, afterall he is a boy)
C
- Candy: Kit-kats I only eat them frozen though
- Color: Blue, green, and pink
- Chocolate/Vanilla: I like both together
- Chinese/Mexican: Mexican!! I can still remember being really sick after eating Chinese food when I was pregnant :( ughh yuck!
- Cake or pie: Cake
- Continent to visit: I would LOVE to visit several places in Europe
D
- Day or Night: depends on what is going on in the day or night
- Dance in the rain: I love the rain, but I can't dance
E
- Eyes: Green, and sometimes blue
- Ever failed a class?: I dropped a couple classes in college, but I have never failed anything that I finished...
F
- Full name: Joyia Ree West
- First thoughts waking up: Go to Aaron's room
- Food: Chicken from Babe's, Mozzerella sticks from BJ's, Tacos from El Pasano's, Chips and Salsa from Villa Grande... :)
G
- Greatest Fear: Not falling in love again or having a family that is all together
- Goals: love, another baby, house, car, job...
- Gum: I rarely ever chew gum
- Get along with your parents?: I guess most of the time I get along with my mom, when we don't talk about anything serious that is. My dad and I were a lot more alike
- Good luck charm: none
H
- Hair Color: several shades of brown, with blonde and red natural highlights
- Height: 5'1"
- Happy: Pretty much so, Josh is going to start fixing my poor car today
- Holiday: Christmas
- How do you want to die: in my sleep would be nice, something not painful
I
- Ice Cream: cookies and cream
- Instrument: I can play the organ/piano some. I looooove guitar but I can't play
J
- Jewelry: I don't have any jewelry to wear anymore, hopefully one day I'll have rings to wear again...
- Job: 3's Preschool Teacher
K
- Kids: Aaron Lee West, hopefully another one someday
- Kickboxing or karate: I would absolutely love to try kickboxing, but I don't think my dr. would approve
- Keep a journal?: nope, this is pretty much where I write
L
- Longest Car Ride: from TX to NC I guess
- Love: God is Love :)
- Laughed so hard you cried: yes, but it's been a while
M
- Milk flavor: regular vitamin D milk
- Movies: Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, Shawshank Redemption, Usual Suspects, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Con Air, Cowboy Way... I could go on
- Motion sickness?: Only in tiny little airplanes that bounce around in the clouds
N
- Number of Siblings: 2
- Number of Piercings: none, and that really bothers Josh for some reason... not sure why
- Number: 28
O
- One wish: don't really have one right now
P
- Perfect Pizza: Sausage, Canadian Bacon, lots of cheese
Q
- Quote: Any quote from FRIENDS of course!! And, umm "Why couldn't you just put the bunny back in the box?" from ConAir
R
- Reason to cry: usually it's something stupid that reminded me of my dad so then I'll cry
- Reality T.V.: I guess HGTV and Food Network or something
- Radio Station: 107.5, 97.5, 102.9, 102.1, 98.7...
S
- Skipped school: In Elementary school every now and then my Memi would come and pick all the grand-daughters up from school without our parents knowing and take us shopping. It was sooo much fun, but now That's like illegal...
- Slept outside: Camping, or at my lake house
- Smoked?: Never!
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries
T
- Time for bed: anywhere between 10 and 1am
- Thunderstorms: like them as long as I'm not driving in it
U
- Unpredictable: I like routine!!! but every now and then if it's a good thing then that's okay too
V
- Vacation spot: I love to travel so anywhere I would be happy with
W
- Weakness: Victoria's Secret... they keep sending me coupons darn it!! and I lost weight again so I need clothes that fit, so it just makes it more tempting to order some
- Who makes you laugh the most: Aaron probably
- Worst feeling: rejection
X
-Ex's: only a couple, hopefully won't have anymore
Y
-Your worst habit: biting my nails I guess
-Yellow: a song by Coldplay
Z
- Zoo animal: Elephants and Monkeys!!