Rules: answer the following questions in 2 words or less.....

1. Where is your cell phone? -- beside me
2. Where is your significant other? -- n/a
3. Your haircolor? --brunette
4. Your mother? crazy
5. Your father? -- in Heaven
6. Your favorite thing? -- FRIENDS
7. Your dream last night? -- peaceful
8. Your dream/goal? -- provide for Aaron
9. The room you're in? -- my bedroom
10. Your hobby? -- math & crosswords
11. Your fear? -- being alone
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? -- owning a house
13. Where were you last night? -- at grandparents'
14. What you're not? -- content
15. One of your wish-list items? -- house
16. Where you grew up? -- Dallas, Aubrey
17. The last thing you did? -- ate food
18. What are you wearing? -- pajamas
19. Your TV? -- on FRIENDS
20. Your pet? --died :(
21. Your computer? -- new hp
22. Your mood? -- lonely
23. Missing someone? -- always
24. Your car? -- dirty
25. Something you're not wearing? -- shoes
27. Your summer? -- hot outside
28. Love someone? -- Aaron!
29. Your favorite color? -- blue & pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? -- today
31. When is the last time you cried? -- last week

Rules:list 6 things I value and 6 things I don't and then pass this award on to 6 people!

6 things I value:
1. God's love & forgiveness
2. Aaron
3. My family
4. My great friends
5. Music (it's my therapy)
6. My childhood

6 things I don't value:
1. feeling like I have to do things perfectly when that's not even possible
2. being treated like I'm stupid because I'm not
3. parents who don't take care of their children and don't realize what amazing gifts they are
4. being yelled at or talked down to for no reason
5. when people refuse to learn ENGLISH even though they are in AMERICA
6. immaturety



I pass this on to:

1. April
2. Lyndi

(those are the only ones that have not gotten this yet on my list)

Hoping for a better tomorrow

In several ways I am praying and planning for a better tomorrow. This blog is more specific to hoping Aaron does better tomorrow (Wednesday) at daycare than what he did on Monday. He has not been since April when he had his surgery, but he is back in the same class with the same kids at least. Monday he was only there for 4 hours. In that time, I was told that he growled and 'showed his muscles' to another child who was trying to take a ball from him. I was so embarrassed when one of his teachers told me that. I really hope Aaron does not become a bully. He usually shares really well, but the particular ball in question is Exactly the same as one he has at home. I'm hoping that's the only reason he was more protective over it and that he won't do that with everything. I had to go and help in his room for the last hour. He was terrible!! His teacher said he was worse when I was in there and that he was not like that before. I guess that's good...? A little boy came to sit in my lap, and Aaron pulled his arm and said, "NO, MY MAMA!". Then another child just spoke to me, and he went over to him and pushed him down. It was absolutely awful. He has always been so sweet with other children. I felt really sad that he was treating the others that way. I am hoping tomorrow afternoon he does much better and acts like the sweet Aaron I love :)

Emotional wreck

Aaron has been more whiny than usual (from getting some more teeth in I think), and each time he cries I just feel like breaking down and crying too. Just not for the same reasons as his. The last week and a half has been almost unbearable. Adam has continued to stay here while he waits for an apartment to open up, and I still wanted him to be able to get to work until he moves out. It's just been really hard to see him right across the room or whatever and to know and feel the lack of love he has for me now. It's been hard to not tell him each day that I love him, especially before he leaves for work. It was always so important to me that I tell him before he leaves to go anywhere in case something ever happened- I wanted him to know. And, now even though I feel so hurt by him I still love him, and I still want to tell him. But I know if I say it I will have to hear the words again "I don't love you anymore". How can that happen? Our first date was over 8 years ago. So much happened in the 6 years after our date and by the time we did get together. I loved him the whole time, all those years. I still do, and I will. Yet, he feels nothing. That just doesn't make sense to me. I would like to make sense of it. That's who I am and what I do. I think. I think until things make sense and I understand or at least understand to a point where I can accept it. I don't think I'm going to ever understand what's going on now though. The last few days he has asked me a few times "Are you okay?" I just say "yeah, I guess so." I really want to yell at him "No, I'm not okay!! You turned my life upside- down! You don't want to have our family anymore! So, no! Why would I be okay?!" I've never been a person to think yelling or arguing would ever do any good. So, I keep everything to myself. If he doesn't love me then why would he care to listen to what I had to say anyway? Unless it was about Aaron. It's hard to think that we will only have Aaron as a topic of all of our discussions from here on. We use to have so much to talk about. I don't want to not have Adam in our daily lives anymore. I don't want to think about him not being here, not ever giving Aaron a sibling, not ever getting our 'dream house' together, not having holidays together anymore. I don't want to be without him. I don't want to be alone forever either. If the father of my son can't even love me, then who ever will? Not that I want anyone else to. I want him to. I just want to cry like Aaron does when something is wrong, and have someone hold me and make it all better.

Ha

I would like to win money on the monopoly game at mcdonalds. Yes, that would be nice. Okay, The End.

I have little self control...

Okay, so I kinda made a bad decision and ordered some new clothes online at VS with my credit card with them. I haven't used it in almost a year and didn't owe anything on it. But, I thought it would make me feel a little happier if I bought myself a little something... Then I kept finding more stuff I liked. So I think I ended up ordering like 10 shirts and a pair of jeans in all. I can try justifying it that when I start working- I will have to have clothes. But, it's really not a good thing that I just spent money I don't have. Maybe if I only do that once a year, then it'll be okay... ughhh
Thanks to all of you who have sent messages and have been praying for me and us. I truly appreciate every one of you! I'm not saying going through with this divorce will be easy, and I didn't want it to begin with. I spend the first 3 days after Adam brought it up crying all day. I prayed that God would make it easier somehow, because I definitely did not want to cry every single day until everything is final. It did get easier, and I have not cried about it since Tuesday- but it got easier for me because Adam started being mean again and trying to fight. So, instead of me crying and being sad, I've just been mad. Somehow being mad helps though. I thought I should be proactive instead of just be upset. I have spoken with a lady at the church my mom works at (the same one I worked at until April). She is helping me find a job as soon as possible and going to make room for Aaron to be in their daycare too. She also set up a meeting for me to speak with my old boss there so I can work there again until something else comes along. The same day I met with her I (finally) received a note in the mail that FEMA was considering me for the position I applied for 3 weeks ago. I hope and pray the FEMA position works out! It will be 18/hour, compared to 7/hour I would get working at the church. 18/hour would still give me enough to pay the 800 a month for Aaron to be in daycare there. If I worked at the church I would get 50% discount for him, but even still I would end up making 4/hour there. That's so not going to cut it. Adam says he is going to help cover things for Aaron, but I just don't think he will be able to the way he spends money. So, I will figure out a way for myself alone to cover everything for him, and then when Adam helps then that's better. Deana (the one helping me find a job) and my mom spoke with a lawyer who is a member of the church next week. He offered to handle everything for me for free, except for court fees. That alone will save me 400/ hour that I meet with him. That's AWESOME. I thought I should go ahead and have a lawyer instead of just waiting for Adam to get one. Especially since Aaron will be our main focus, I don't want to just 'wait' and see what happens. I plan on having him all the time, except for Adam's 2 days off a week- he will have him those days. I really do not trust that He would be able to take care of Aaron for a whole week at a time every other week. I'm not trying to 'bash' him, but even the last few months Adam wouldn't watch Aaron long enough for me to get ready and go to the grocery store. So, I don't think I'm being mean about Aaron staying with me the majority of the time. Ahh, to think a week ago none of this stuff ever crossed my mind... It helps for me to write it all out and make sense of things in my head. I'm sorry for so many of my posts being negative. I will have positive things to write and share very soon! Thanks again for all of your prayers, I love you all and appreciate your friendships.

I just want to understand

I want to understand why someone can love you and then all of a sudden stop. Does it mean they never really did to begin with? I wanna know why Aaron and I aren't worth trying for. I want to know why someone wouldn't want to be in Aaron's life full-time. I want to understand how he thinks divorce is just as simple as clicking 'single' on his myspace account. I want to know why he wants to hurt me by staying at home with us for 2 weeks until an apartment is ready for him, but will stay out half the night every night just to make me worry and upset, so I can wonder what he's doing. I want to know why it's so easy for him to already be moving on when I can't even grasp the idea of being seperated yet. I want to understand why he thinks he will have enough money by himself to move out when we didn't have the money together to move out. Why would he not want us, not want out family? Why would he want to pass Aaron around for holidays and weekends, and have seperate birthday parties too? I want to know why I spent 6 years loving him before we even got together when our marriage won't last that long. I want to understand how all of this is part of God's plan somehow down the road, how and why all of this bad stuff will end up good. I know Aaron is a part of that plan. No, we didn't exactly go by God's plan when or how we had Aaron, but I know I was forgiven for that. And, I absolutely do not have any bad feelings or regrets on having my son. I know he won't be perfect, but at least for now he's a perfect little boy. I don't know what I would do without him. I've never been apart from him for more than 1 night at a time. It makes me feel sick thinking about Aaron going to stay with Adam for a week or weekend at a time. For the last year Adam hasn't even changed or fed him more than 2 times. Adam would get mad if I asked for him to get off the dang computer games to help me with Aaron. I don't know how all of a sudden he thinks he will be capable to do all the things with Aaron that I have done everyday, every night since he was born. I've been praying, and praying. I just want some kind of peace about it, even just a tiny bit. I know I need to be patient for God to do what He has planned, and I'm trying. It's just so hard, especially since it includes changing Aaron and I's entire lives.
I'm gonna stop for now because I think I would go on forever. I'm sorry that my posts recently (and probably following ones too) have been negative. I'm just trying to think out things and trying to find the positives in what's going on. Thanks to everyone for your prayers and thoughts. I really appreciate all of you thinking of us when ya'll have things going on in your own lives as well.

Stupidity and loneliness

I was just stupid to think things were getting better when really everything is falling apart. I still don't think it's real and that he will change his mind and stay, but he won't. I just want to go to sleep for a long time, and then it might all be over. Please pray for us- we really need it. He wants to move out this week. Since I haven't had a job in a while then I won't have any money for bills or anything really until I get a paycheck. I don't know what to do...

Traumatic Haircut

My mom and I took Aaron to get a much needed haircut today at Great Clips close to my house. I took him there once before for his 1st haircut on his 1st birthday- he did so great that time! Not a sound or wiggle made. Since then I've kinda just trimmed it up myself a little (not neccessarily really well but decent). Anyway, I thought I should take him this time for a 'real' cut. Silly me, thought he would do just like last time and be a perfect customer. Uhhhh- NO! One of my old classmates I went to school with was the one cutting his hair. I had to hold him, and my mom had to hold his head still. He twitched, wiggled, cried, and screamed the entire time! I was embarassed and kept apologizing to Ricky who was trying hard to cut only hair and no ears or anything important. It was just terrible; I think Aaron had his bottom lip down to his chin the whole time. Ricky did a very good job, especially considering how Aaron acted. As soon as it was over Aaron stopped crying and said 'thank you', as he slid down to the floor from the chair. Aye aye aye, he is dramatic at times. I don't know where he gets it...?? :)

I got a compliment :)

Haha, okay so this might seem weird to some of you and I really don't know how to explain, but I will anyway. I got a compliment today (actually, more like an observation). One of my very close friends saw my picture online that I now have on my blog as well. I took it just a few weeks ago when I got bored and decided to cut and dye my hair myself (which I kinda do often when I get bored). Anyway, I have not seen or spoken to this friend in a while, and she called to tell me that I looked like my dad in that picture. I know it's normal for a someone to look like their parents- but I took it as a compliment. There are few of my friends who actually knew or were around my dad, so mostly everyone thinks I resemble my mom or her family because that's the only comparison they can make. I don't know if I just really needed to be reminded of my dad or something today; it was really nice to hear that. I miss my dad (in fact I never called him 'dad' when he was alive- it was always 'daddy'). I miss him everyday, and it's so easy to get sad when I think of him not being here anymore. I guess being reminded today that parts of him are still here with me was really comforting. I take after him at times, and my gosh Aaron already reminds me of him so much sometimes! Aaron definitely takes after his 'Papa Ronny'. I don't know if it will seem strange that I talk to Aaron about his Papa that he won't even know or meet until he is in Heaven with him. I can't imagine not telling Aaron about him- that's his grandpa and I want him to know how wonderful he was and how much he would love Aaron. Now that I got my few tears in for the day... I will stop getting off subject and stop writing for now. Thanks to everyone who continues to read when I ramble :)

Getting back to 'us'...

Ahh- I'm so relieved! For months Adam and I just really have not been on the same page- but now, we are getting back to who we were again together. Thank God!! And, most of our problems weren't even because of each other. We both get super stressed out due to where we have been living and who we have been living with for over a year and a half now- My sister... We moved into the house my mom owns in Denton (where my sister lives) what we thought would be about 2 1/2 months before Aaron arrived. Our idea was to have that time to save our money before he came. That was not what God had planned for us. Aaron arrived 7 weeks early (only 2 weeks after we moved). Not much time for us to be able to save any money. Since he was so early I did not start working again until he was almost 5 months old. Anyway, what we had planned as living here maybe a year until we could have money to have our own place again, turned into "I don't feel like we will EVER get outta this place anytime soon!!". That's what causes us stress. We think optimistically for a moment- all our dreams and goals. Then reality sets in- To move ya have to have money, right? Darn it. Another issue is definitely living with my sister. She's not a horrible person, but we have never really been close or gotten along well- a big reason why I wanted to graduate early and why I moved out when I was 17. It really sucked having to live with her again. I don't mind cleaning and picking up after Adam or Aaron, but seriously she is getting closer to 30. She should be able to pick up her own trash and help clean. This is what a lot of Adam and I's arguements started out about. She has not miraculously started to do this stuff, but I started 'charging' for my cleaning services in a way I guess. Maybe not the best plan, however it does give me incentive to continue doing it so we don't have to live in trash. I begin to destress a little, in turn Adam does too. I prayed a lot about my relationship with Adam, and now we are finally connecting so much better. Not everything is fixed- we still have a lot to accomplish with each other, with Aaron, with money (which will lead to us being able to have a 2nd car and our own place to live again). I don't want to feel stressed about it anymore; I just want to make it better. I know I kinda went off track a little which I tend to do often. My point is- I'm glad things are getting better! And, without God and prayer I don't think that it would be possible. The End :)

Finally!

We FINALLY have internet at home!!! It's so exciting, as sad as that may be :) And, also I might finally be getting a job soon. The job at FEMA I applied to a couple weeks ago didn't work out because they finished hiring super fast. And, the teaching position at the preschool I didn't accept because my doctor said it would be too much stress on my body. So, I was really upset once again that it didn't look like I could get anything quickly. Yesterday, my aunt called who is high up at FEMA here in Denton and said they were opening up more positions today for the same thing I applied for before (only this time it's for 18/hr. instead of the 10/hr. it was before). I got everything I needed together and sent in first thing this morning. I really hope and pray that I get this, and that I can find a safe place for Aaron to be on short notice as well. Please pray for this. We've been getting further and further behind on bills, and I'm not sure how else to get back on top of things...