Hallelujah!!

Next Monday I start a full time job!!  It took a long 4 months to find one, but I am so thankful!  Thank you Lord for giving me this opportunity AND for continuing to take care of Aaron and I even though I wasn't receiving a paycheck.  He is Good!!  Thanks also to all of my friends that have been saying prayers as well! 

What was intended to be a Short update- but ya'll know me ;)

     Ughhh, looking for a job for over 3 months now STINKS- Just FYI!!!  I'm sure part of the reason it's taking so long is because I'm looking for something other than what I've done for the last 4 1/2 years.  I was forced to come to terms that I should no longer work in child care.  My doctor has advised me of this for 4 years now.  I have been stubborn (Who me?).
     Sidetrack- Since Aaron was born, I have been completely afraid of sending him off to school/ daycare without me being across the hall from him.  I've done so much better with this since he started attending a half day in a Pre-K class that is part of the school district.  Seriously, to allow him to do this was HUGE for me!  However, I know that he needs to be there to help with his behavior from what they are calling Emotional and Social issues- they think from not having his father around more than 2-3 times a year has greatly effected this.  Hopefully, in another year and a half he can be ready for a regular kindergarten class when he's 5. 
     When I left my job in March I decided now would be a good time to listen to my doctors and start looking for an office position again.  I've had some interviews and they all seem to go well and seem promising, but then I'm told they've gone with someone else who has held office jobs more recently.  It's very frustrating!  I know I can do it!  Nothing I have applied for requires degrees or anything that is above what I can do.  I'm continuing to pray that someone will give me a chance- soon.  Maybe I'm wrong for asking God the 'soon' part.  My funds are quickly running out, so I can't help but to ask for a time frame even if I shouldn't tell God what is best.  Tomorrow I have the fun task of finding a way to keep my phone turned on, Yippee!
     On another note- I should get to see my very sweet, adorable guy this weekend!  He's attending his niece's wedding in Arlington.  It's been a little over 3 months since seeing him, and I didn't realize how difficult in the beginning it would be to go so long between our dates.  It will be a very short trip for him this time, flying in Saturday just in time for the wedding and leaves super early Monday morning.  Hopefully, his family won't mind sharing him just a little while on Sunday :) 

Aaron's latest

Okay, I usually don't brag too much (I don't think) about my little boy.  I'm pretty sure every parent thinks their child is smart, and I happen to think Aaron is brilliant.  I wish his behavior lately was better, but I'm still proud that he is smart and super funny.  He loves to entertain, especially when new people are around.  He pretends not to listen A LOT in order to try and get away with things or not do things when I ask.  However, he remembers absolutely everything!  It has really helped him to learn since he started in a Pre-K class (which he's not actually old enough for, by the way). 
Aaron came home telling me earlier this week about how caterpillars turn into butterflies.  "Mama, did you know the caterpillars turn into a cocoon chrysalis?"  He pronounced it correctly and all! 
Today, he told me spiders are arachnids.  I mentioned that word to him a few weeks ago, and I also told him that I had arachniphobia, which meant that I was scared of spiders.  I asked him if he remembered what word meant that you were scared of something, and he replied, "phobia". 
His favorite word to use lately is NERVOUS.  Oh my goodness, he tries to use that word for everything now!  When he got in trouble the other day he told me it made him very nervous when I got onto him when he was in trouble.  He also has said almost every night at bedtime that he was nervous being alone in his room. 

It's late, and that's all I can think of at the moment :)

Little things

I forgot how much I like to do 'little things' for someone I care about.  I totally missed that aspect of being in a relationship for... well, a long time now!  If we had the typical dating relationship (you know, where we actually lived closer to one another), then these little things I would normally do would be so much easier!!  Living states apart, I kinda have to get creative.  I can't cook dinner for him, make cookies or something for him to show that I care.  The last almost 3 weeks, he's been working every single day extremely long hours trying to finish a huge project.  I've felt so bad for him, and I wanted to try and do something for him this week that would be special.  Tomorrow was the deadline for his project at work.  I was so proud of myself for thinking of something creative I could send to him!  I had a couple of pictures we had taken together on our first 'official' date in January.  I decided I could make a mini scrapbook filled with things about our first date.  I searched online and found a picture of every single place we went in Austin- the airport (from when I picked him up), where we had dinner, the restaurant we had lunch, a store we tracked down that featured one of his commercials to watch (which was Amazing to see first with him), and the fancy shopping center we went to find things to buy :)  OH, and of course I added the pictures he and I took together!  The scrapbook turned out super cute!!  I mailed it Tuesday afternoon, and he should get it tomorrow when he gets home from work, Yay! 

Thinking out loud?

Hmm, so I applied at a few more jobs today.  I pretty much have stuck with applying to government jobs and at the universities around Denton.  I'm determined to get a position that I will LIKE and that has benefits.  I don't want to start somewhere and continue looking for something better.  It's a waste of the little energy I have and stressful.  2 of the jobs I really want are just taking longer than I would like to get back to me :(  Now, I'm starting to wonder if I should give myself a deadline... Should I make a deadline for when I should just find a job, any job and give up on finding THE job?  Or is that when I'm overstepping on God's plan??  Ughhh, I don't know.  I have enough money for about another month.  Factoring in that once I start a job it would be about 2 weeks before getting a paycheck, that means I should start a job within 2 weeks from now.  Have any suggestions for me?
On another note, me and "guy who remains nameless (for now)" are doing good.  This makes me really happy!  However, that just makes me think even more!  Did I mention he lives out of state?!  His work will keep him where he is living now.  Long term plans would require Aaron and I would have to move there.  I would totally do that, it's just kinda scary.  It's only been about 4 months, so I'm talking a good long while before it's even an issue.  But, this is what I do ;)  If it weren't a possibility, I wouldn't even bother with this guy.  I'm probably being crazy.  I haven't had Aaron meet him yet, which is strange I guess considering that his mom has been around Aaron before... I completely trust him with my son.  That's not the issue at all.  Aaron just gets extremely attached to every guy- most likely since his dad is hardly ever involved.  I've even stopped my guy friends from being around him for a while now because Aaron will ask to call them and always wants to see them.

*Aaron told me last week that he wasn't allowing himself to fall in love yet. When I asked why, he said, "I can't fall in love with a beautiful girl yet because I have too many girls (my mama, Aunt Kaylee, and my Nonnie) living in my house.  There's just not room for my wife right now." 
He's so funny!  I love him so much!!! :)

This song has special meaning to me ;) Just don't take it literally

Forever can never be long enough for me

To feel like I've had long enough with you

Forget the world now, we won't let them see

But there's one thing left to do

Now that the weight has lifted

Love has surely shifted my way

Marry me

Today and every day

Marry me

If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe

Say you will

Say you will

Together can never be close enough for me

To feel like I am close enough to you

You wear white and I'll wear out the words I love you

And you're beautiful

Now that the wait is over

And love has finally showed her my way

Marry me

Today and every day

Marry me

If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe

Say you will

Say you will

Promise me you'll always be

Happy by my side

I promise to sing to you

When all the music dies

And marry me

Today and every day

Marry me

If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe

Say you will

Say you will

Marry me



Job opportunities

I just had a phone interview with a company in Dallas that contacted ME and requested that I apply.  I thought that was pretty awesome!  I had posted my resume online on Monster.com, and I guess the company saw mine there.  Interview went great.  The position I applied for doesn't start until the end of May, which I didn't know.  However, HR said another position would start in just a couple of weeks that they think I would do well in.  The pay is the same for both :)
Not sure why it took so long for it to dawn on me to apply at the City of Denton and County, but I applied to positions they each have available around midnight last night.  I have already been asked to come do testing for Denton County!  I scheduled that for Friday while Aaron is at school.  Hopefully I will also hear from the City as well.  The City of Denton position pays almost 10k more.  Both of these positions would be best I think of all positions I've applied for the last couple of weeks (pay, benefits, and I wouldn't have to drive an hour away= total plus!).
I'm not so much worried about finding ANY job, but finding the Right job!
Any prayers for my job hunt would be so much appreciated!!

-- I was so excited today thinking about 1 of these jobs working out!  All I wanted to do was call and tell this guy (who I still haven't named on here).  I even picked up the phone to text him a couple times, but I couldn't...

I speak too soon... apparently

It's been a rough few days.  Warning, I will probably skip around a lot.
My title refers to one of my last statements in my last blog- about someone special I would mention in my future blogs.  Yeah, that was dumb.  I think each time I've mentioned something good about someone I'm dating, or just anything good and happy in my life going on it gets ruined somehow.  Does this mean I should STOP talking about good things?!  That's what it feels like.  And, NO, of course I won't!  It's just frustrating, and I feel I bring it on myself.  Maybe I do?  A failed marriage, a failed relationship, and one that I have no idea what's gonna happen now... Could have something to do with ME, ya think?
In late December, a friend of mine from school's wife (24 yrs. old) passed away.  Nobody, including the medical examiner, knew why.  My friend was told that it would be about 6 weeks before they knew a cause of death.  Well, it took a while longer!  For him I'm sure it felt like an eternity.  This last Friday he was finally contacted and told- Cause of Death: Low Thyroid!  That's it? Really?!  At first I just felt so sorry for him, knowing that it was something usually so easily treated.  If you know me pretty well, you know how much I think, think, and continue to think.  About Everything.  Friday night, I couldn't sleep well at all.  I haven't fallen asleep easily sitince I found this out actually.  For selfish reasons I keep thinking about it. My friend's wife looked like she just felt asleep, and that's exactly what doctors told him it happened- "She probably seemed tired, went to lie down, and her body shut down when she fell asleep."  My doctors tell me that my thyroid has the lowest levels of a live person they have seen.  So, this just totally freaks me out.  Which is ridiculous!  I know this.  My thyroid hasn't worked for almost 16 years.  I'm a researcher!!  I have read SO many books and articles on hypothyroidism.  I know how easily it is to treat when you know about it.  I just need to get much better at remembering to take my medicine...
Big event on Saturday that nearly gave the Mommy in me a heart attack- my sister almost ran over my son, Aaron!!  Aaron was upset that Kaylee didn't hug him goodbye before she was leaving.  From our hallway, I see him running out the front door to catch her, I start running to catch him, and when I get outside her car is in reverse almost knocking him down in the street!!  I am screaming his name and for her to STOP!  She stops, rolls down the window and asks why I'm screaming.  Aaron didn't seem to know what was going on until he realized how scared I was, and that's when he started crying. And, Kaylee just said bye and left like it was no big deal.  I've never been so scared in my life!  I held him on the couch, crying, kissing him, and getting onto him for going outside without someone- all at the same time.  Even at home, I don't know how to protect him all the time :(
A week ago last Friday was the last day at my job.  That's a huge, long story in itself.  I resigned, however it was definitely not my choice!  I'll get more into specifics in another blog though.  I only mention it now because it's added to my list of things that have been stressful.  Writing and venting make things easier.  Single mom+ an ex who's over 6 months behind in child support+ no income= umm, not an ideal situation ? 
Last week (my first week of being unemployed) was planned to be a Great week though! Aaron was going to go stay with his dad for a couple of days (the first he's seen him since before Christmas, by the way), so I would have a couple of days to get resumes out, etc.  Aaron was out of his afternoon school for Spring break, so it was okay for him to spend some time with Adam without missing anything.  Also, last week my guy would be in town the whole week, so we had a few dates planned.  I was super excited!  He lives out of town, out of state actually.  That fact, plus me not really wanting Aaron around him yet doesn't leave much time to spend together.  I haven't figured out the whole dating thing without Aaron meeting whoever it is yet. I feel like a horrible mother wanting Aaron to be with someone else just so I can go on a date.  Anyway, it had been 2 months since seeing my guy, which has been more difficult that what I thought it would be in the beginning.  And, I know what some of you are thinking- No, I didn't meet him online ;)  I actually knew him for years, many, many years.  His family is in north Texas.  Anyway, he came into town.  We had a Perfect date last Sunday evening in downtown Fort Worth at one of my favorite restaurants.  Previous dates were also quite amazing.  We had 2 other dates planned for last week before he would have to leave Sunday.  Each one had to be canceled due to things coming up and a family emergency, his, not mine.  We were both pretty bummed.  I had planned to go stay with him out of state sometime coming up soon, but that was when I had a job and money.  Now, that wasn't looking too promising for the near future.  So, the different things I mentioned previously that were stressing me out some, along with thinking Saturday night how he was about to fly out and not see him for a couple months possibly... well, it made me act kinda stupidly to say the least.  I upset him a lot when I told him how I would miss him, and how I was upset that we didn't get more time together like we had planned.  And, I had HORRIBLE timing saying anything.  He was at a family function at the time.  We've hardly talked since, and it sucks!  Over 3 months of talking multiple times a day to not at all.  It makes me really sad :(  Before anyone starts defending me (which I appreciate), this guy is sooo worth working things out with!  He's wonderful, and I really hope I didn't screw things up permanently. 
Ahhh, okay.  I've written for an hour now, and I feel a little better.  That was my whole purpose :) 

Wow

I just realized how long it has been since I wrote about ANYTHING!!  I saw that one of my friends had started a new blog recently, and I couldn't wait to read it.  I also realized how out of the loop I am in everyone's lives lately.  That's not cool.  It's looking like I will have plenty of time to catch up and blog though- lucky you!  In the past this has been my venting place, and I'm not gonna promise that it will change too much ;)  Different things are going on right now, which I can get into another day.  I will say that I am very blessed!  Feeling very lucky (lately especially) with the people who are in my life- Aaron (of course!!), my amazing friends (the ones I talk to just about every single day and also ones I don't get to as often), and another special someone who won't be reading this, so I can probably mention him as often as I want soon ;) 

A good friend once said ....

Actually my good friend tells me quite often to be patient. He has tons of patience just for the fact that he has to keep telling me on a regular basis and never seems to be annoyed that I don't always listen so well :) Right now, (and for a while now truthfully) I've been praying for patience in my life. I have so many things I want to do and accomplish in my life. I just don't like waiting for them. I would like them to happen sooner rather than later, so I try to force things into happening sometimes. By the way, that never works ;) God's Timing! I know this... Haha. I'm working on it. Any prayers are always appreciated though!

The last year and a half (or so)

Lawyers, finding money to pay said lawyers, stupid arguements via texting and over the phone about him having to pay child support and part of Aaron's medical bills EVERY month, court, dealing with sherriff's department, being blamed for him spending a weekend in jail because I didn't remind him of court dates he didn't show up for (which I don't believe is my place anymore), court again... Then the end of February- ahhhhh.... Court was over! Yay! Thought I was done, but I was wrong :( Spent the last 2 months arguing over him paying child support and being late all over again. I'm really seeing a pattern, and I pray I don't have to continue telling him every single month that he has to pay for the next 15 years or so.
Okay, I'm done with my negativity now :) I haven't written in so long because I felt I had all the negative things on my mind, most of which I wasn't supposed to talk about until everything was finalized. I plan on writing soon and more often about happy things going on with my Aaron Lee and I :) Hold me to it!

I have tons I want to write about on here to try and clear my head! However, until court stuff is finished and finalized at the end of February I can't mention most of the things in a public way- or I guess it could hinder how some things turn out. It's so incredibly frustrating! All of the situation isn't going very well right now, and I ask for your prayers for Aaron and me. I appreciate all of your prayers so far more than you could know. I never anticipated this process being so long or getting so ugly. Naive on my behalf...

Countdown

33 more days...

Patience

I feel like I'm going crazy! One of my bosses at work last week said, "You sure seem to have lots of drama going on in your life, but you don't seem like a dramatic person, nor does it ever seem to bother you". I guess that's a compliment, right? I find it funny. I feel like everything is crazy and like I can't get things straight in my head. There's so much going on, and sometimes I feel that I can't handle it. It was nice to know that my bosses and co-workers don't know all of that. I guess I usually only share details with a few select people of what's going on in my life. Lately, it seems I have fewer of those to confide in than I use to though. Upcoming court dates in January and February are on my mind every single day; scheduling off work, finding a sub, getting all the paperwork together I have to take to court, and preparing myself to keep my composure as well. Anything having to do with my son's future makes me get emotional- as I'm sure it does almost every parent. There's a reason I said almost every parent. I remember in 2002 when I was with my youth group here in Denton at our Jr./Sr. event, one of my friends who was a Jr. presented me with a Fruit of the Spirit Award- Patience. It always struck me as strange because I never considered myself to be very patient. I certainly don't feel like I have much patience right now. My seperation has lasted over 14 months now, and my divorce started 12 months ago. Finally, I have a real (can't be postponed) court date to finalize the divorce. I'm starting to feel relieved that I have something to look forward to. There are so many things I once had planned for my life, and all of those same things are what I still want. It's definitely going to happen differently that what I originally planned. I still want everything on my 'list' for Aaron and myself, more so now than I ever have before I think. Which brings me back to the patience... I want to start making a difference and checking some of those things off NOW! I don't want to wait any longer. I want to change and get things done now. I don't want to have to wait to find love again, which directly relates to wanting more children and a whole family again. Yes, I realize I do have to wait no matter what I plan. God's plan is the one that matters. I just wish that sometimes it was my plan too. That would be nice :) I also wish I didn't have to wait for a house, a backyard Aaron can have a tree house in, spending weekends with Aaron AND a completely wonderful guy who loves us both and wants a future with us, and all the stuff that follows. I want to build my own house. I want to physically help build my own house. I've always wanted to do that- my dad put all sorts of those dreams in my head and taught me how to do some of it too. My dreams will have to wait, hopefully not for long though. I know I need patience because I have no choice! If anybody has words of wisdom please share :)

Nice

I was kind of not looking forward to last weekend because I had volunteered to work on Saturday night for Parents' Night Out at the school. I love the kids of course, but it just makes my weekend feel nonexistent sometimes. The last time I did one a couple of months ago I ended up having 9 kids under 18 months old for 4 hours. It was exhausting to say the least! This time I only had 3 which was a pleasant surprise. And, I made a little extra money which is always nice. Some unexpected things came up afterwards, and I had a really good time. Interesting weekend :)

My Prayers

I realize that I really haven't posted much over the last several months. Adam and I have been separated for almost a year now (and, no the divorce still isn't finalized unfortunately). There have been so many times over the last several months that I have wanted and felt that I needed to write here, not so much for people to read about my personal life, but so that I may feel better after expressing my innermost feelings. I know and love that all of you would have encouraging words to say. That is definitely not the reason why I haven't been posting when I have wanted to. It's just that I have been trying my absolute hardest this last year to not speak too negatively about Adam for many reasons. 1) Obviously because he is the father of my son. I never want Aaron to overhear or think a certain way about his father just because I have. 2) Our divorce still isn't final and won't be for a while. Anything I say can be used against me in court. 3) I know and believe that any negative remarks I may have will just reflect on my character as well as his. 4) I am trying so desperately to be the best person and christian I can be in spite of everything that has been going on for the last year and a half or so.
Sorry, that was a little detour I suppose than what I originally began writing for. I will continue ...
Things have been difficult and easier at the same time since last fall. Lots of things have happened since then. And, I think I was hurt and then allowed myself to be hurt again too quickly afterwards. The last couple of months the loneliness really started to sink in for me. I have wanted to just be able to find someone again. The truth is though, that I don't feel like being hurt anymore. In my prayers the last couple of weeks I have been asking God to take away my wants and desires to find companionship, love, all of it away. This may be selfish of me to ask that God remove the idea from my thinking. I don't know. That's just how I've felt lately.

"The Biggest Loser"

"The Biggest Loser"'s new season started this Monday. I record everything on my DVR so I just watched it tonight (I know I'm a little late). I have never watched a whole season of the show, but this season is VERY special to me. Most of you know that I grew up in Aubrey and went to school there until I started homeschooling to finish high school. It was and still is a small town, so I think as students we were able to know most of our teachers better (and vice versa for that matter) than at larger schools. One of my favorite teachers I had in the 10 years at Aubrey was Rick Rike. He wasn't a whole lot older than us and was a little easier to relate to. In high school I had him for my AP English class. The very first day he told us that he believed we were smarter already therefore he didn't think we needed to do as much work. I think the whole class loved him immediately for that! We did work when it was needed and still took harder tests than the normal English classes, but we had so much fun too. I remember how we all memorized every line to Forrest Gump during the first semester! Haha. Anyway, I could go on FOREVER telling different stories. I'll get on with my reason for posting...
Abby Rike, his wife is on this season of The Biggest Loser. If you have watched it already this week you have heard her story. Mr.Rike was in their van with her 5 year old daughter and their 2 1/2 week old son when another driver going 100 mph hit them and killed all 3 in October 2006. I received a phone call on that day about an hour after it happened from a friend telling me. It completely broke my heart then. And, my heart broke all over again after watching Abby tell the story on TV tonight. Mr.Rike was an awesome person and teacher. Abby is absolutely amazing for continuing on like she has. I could NOT imagine having a whole family, and then losing it all in one moment like that.

In need of some prayers

I know I've said this a LOT over the last several months- I can't say much about it, but I'm almost certain we will be going to court over Aaron during the divorce. Please, please, please keep Aaron and I in your prayers over the next few months.

Good news and Bad news

Bad news- Things have been AWFUL at work lately. I found out almost a month ago that Adam hadn't had a job in a while and that the last child support I got over a month ago would be my last to receive most likely for a while. When I found out, I called my boss to tell her that I was sorry, but I would HAVE to look for something that paid better since I couldn't depend on getting child support or anything else from Adam. She seemed very understanding at the time and said to let her know if and when I got interviews so that she could schedule me off at those times. Then, about 2 weeks ago she passed out new schedules at work (my schedule has been the same 8:45am to 4:45pm Monday- Friday since last October). Well, it was changed and had be cut back to 30 hours instead of 40. I wasn't very happy. Last Thursday she passed out another new schedule starting at the beginning of this week. It had me only scheduled for 12 hours. 12 HOURS?! I immediately asked if there was a reason, and the reply I got was, "Well, I don't have an answer for you yet. When I think of something, I'll get back to you". I asked the same thing the next day, and the answer was still the same. NOT HAPPY! Plus, they have been sending me home even earlier than what is on the schedule. I have only gotten 5 1/2 hours this week, and I don't think they will let me work the whole 4 hours they have me scheduled for tomorrow. GRrr... GOOD NEWS- I met again with another preschool, for I think the 3rd time (spanning over the last year almost). I told them that it was not neccessary for me to give 2 weeks notice to my current employer anymore since they are hardly giving me any hours. So, I will start Monday!! I'm sooooooo incredibly happy to be leaving the church!!! There are so many things that are wrong with how things run there. For the summer I will be working with a class that is just a little younger than Aaron. Starting in the fall I will be teaching a 3-4 year old class- which I'm really excited about! I will be making more money, hopefully be in a better environment, Aaron will be in a good place and well taken care of, I will get paid vacation/sick days, and all meals are provided for Aaron and me too. They are making room for Aaron to be there, so I'm pretty sure they really want me there :) Oh, and I get breaks. At the church we didn't get breaks. I still won't have health insurance for myself or for Aaron. I'm trying to figure out that part right now. I sent in another application for Medicaid earlier this week. I know Aaron will be approved, which is the most important thing. I hope they approve me too. Without insurance I can't afford to go to the doctor to do my usual tests every 2-3 months like I'm supposed to. I'm praying that everything starts working itself out.

REALLY?!

Ahhhhh!!! Why does so many negative things have to happen at once? I FINALLY get to where I'm content and happy and focused on the right things, and then 5 bad things happen all at the same time. I'm tired. Stressed. I just need a break. And, I want to talk like I always have to my good friends who have always been there for me, but (I know I've said it before) I can't talk about any of the specifics going on yet. I hate that. As soon as the divorce is final maybe I can talk and be open about everything going on now and that happened in the past. I can't wait for it to be over. Please continue to pray for me and Aaron too.