Patience

I feel like I'm going crazy! One of my bosses at work last week said, "You sure seem to have lots of drama going on in your life, but you don't seem like a dramatic person, nor does it ever seem to bother you". I guess that's a compliment, right? I find it funny. I feel like everything is crazy and like I can't get things straight in my head. There's so much going on, and sometimes I feel that I can't handle it. It was nice to know that my bosses and co-workers don't know all of that. I guess I usually only share details with a few select people of what's going on in my life. Lately, it seems I have fewer of those to confide in than I use to though. Upcoming court dates in January and February are on my mind every single day; scheduling off work, finding a sub, getting all the paperwork together I have to take to court, and preparing myself to keep my composure as well. Anything having to do with my son's future makes me get emotional- as I'm sure it does almost every parent. There's a reason I said almost every parent. I remember in 2002 when I was with my youth group here in Denton at our Jr./Sr. event, one of my friends who was a Jr. presented me with a Fruit of the Spirit Award- Patience. It always struck me as strange because I never considered myself to be very patient. I certainly don't feel like I have much patience right now. My seperation has lasted over 14 months now, and my divorce started 12 months ago. Finally, I have a real (can't be postponed) court date to finalize the divorce. I'm starting to feel relieved that I have something to look forward to. There are so many things I once had planned for my life, and all of those same things are what I still want. It's definitely going to happen differently that what I originally planned. I still want everything on my 'list' for Aaron and myself, more so now than I ever have before I think. Which brings me back to the patience... I want to start making a difference and checking some of those things off NOW! I don't want to wait any longer. I want to change and get things done now. I don't want to have to wait to find love again, which directly relates to wanting more children and a whole family again. Yes, I realize I do have to wait no matter what I plan. God's plan is the one that matters. I just wish that sometimes it was my plan too. That would be nice :) I also wish I didn't have to wait for a house, a backyard Aaron can have a tree house in, spending weekends with Aaron AND a completely wonderful guy who loves us both and wants a future with us, and all the stuff that follows. I want to build my own house. I want to physically help build my own house. I've always wanted to do that- my dad put all sorts of those dreams in my head and taught me how to do some of it too. My dreams will have to wait, hopefully not for long though. I know I need patience because I have no choice! If anybody has words of wisdom please share :)

Nice

I was kind of not looking forward to last weekend because I had volunteered to work on Saturday night for Parents' Night Out at the school. I love the kids of course, but it just makes my weekend feel nonexistent sometimes. The last time I did one a couple of months ago I ended up having 9 kids under 18 months old for 4 hours. It was exhausting to say the least! This time I only had 3 which was a pleasant surprise. And, I made a little extra money which is always nice. Some unexpected things came up afterwards, and I had a really good time. Interesting weekend :)

My Prayers

I realize that I really haven't posted much over the last several months. Adam and I have been separated for almost a year now (and, no the divorce still isn't finalized unfortunately). There have been so many times over the last several months that I have wanted and felt that I needed to write here, not so much for people to read about my personal life, but so that I may feel better after expressing my innermost feelings. I know and love that all of you would have encouraging words to say. That is definitely not the reason why I haven't been posting when I have wanted to. It's just that I have been trying my absolute hardest this last year to not speak too negatively about Adam for many reasons. 1) Obviously because he is the father of my son. I never want Aaron to overhear or think a certain way about his father just because I have. 2) Our divorce still isn't final and won't be for a while. Anything I say can be used against me in court. 3) I know and believe that any negative remarks I may have will just reflect on my character as well as his. 4) I am trying so desperately to be the best person and christian I can be in spite of everything that has been going on for the last year and a half or so.
Sorry, that was a little detour I suppose than what I originally began writing for. I will continue ...
Things have been difficult and easier at the same time since last fall. Lots of things have happened since then. And, I think I was hurt and then allowed myself to be hurt again too quickly afterwards. The last couple of months the loneliness really started to sink in for me. I have wanted to just be able to find someone again. The truth is though, that I don't feel like being hurt anymore. In my prayers the last couple of weeks I have been asking God to take away my wants and desires to find companionship, love, all of it away. This may be selfish of me to ask that God remove the idea from my thinking. I don't know. That's just how I've felt lately.

"The Biggest Loser"

"The Biggest Loser"'s new season started this Monday. I record everything on my DVR so I just watched it tonight (I know I'm a little late). I have never watched a whole season of the show, but this season is VERY special to me. Most of you know that I grew up in Aubrey and went to school there until I started homeschooling to finish high school. It was and still is a small town, so I think as students we were able to know most of our teachers better (and vice versa for that matter) than at larger schools. One of my favorite teachers I had in the 10 years at Aubrey was Rick Rike. He wasn't a whole lot older than us and was a little easier to relate to. In high school I had him for my AP English class. The very first day he told us that he believed we were smarter already therefore he didn't think we needed to do as much work. I think the whole class loved him immediately for that! We did work when it was needed and still took harder tests than the normal English classes, but we had so much fun too. I remember how we all memorized every line to Forrest Gump during the first semester! Haha. Anyway, I could go on FOREVER telling different stories. I'll get on with my reason for posting...
Abby Rike, his wife is on this season of The Biggest Loser. If you have watched it already this week you have heard her story. Mr.Rike was in their van with her 5 year old daughter and their 2 1/2 week old son when another driver going 100 mph hit them and killed all 3 in October 2006. I received a phone call on that day about an hour after it happened from a friend telling me. It completely broke my heart then. And, my heart broke all over again after watching Abby tell the story on TV tonight. Mr.Rike was an awesome person and teacher. Abby is absolutely amazing for continuing on like she has. I could NOT imagine having a whole family, and then losing it all in one moment like that.

In need of some prayers

I know I've said this a LOT over the last several months- I can't say much about it, but I'm almost certain we will be going to court over Aaron during the divorce. Please, please, please keep Aaron and I in your prayers over the next few months.

Good news and Bad news

Bad news- Things have been AWFUL at work lately. I found out almost a month ago that Adam hadn't had a job in a while and that the last child support I got over a month ago would be my last to receive most likely for a while. When I found out, I called my boss to tell her that I was sorry, but I would HAVE to look for something that paid better since I couldn't depend on getting child support or anything else from Adam. She seemed very understanding at the time and said to let her know if and when I got interviews so that she could schedule me off at those times. Then, about 2 weeks ago she passed out new schedules at work (my schedule has been the same 8:45am to 4:45pm Monday- Friday since last October). Well, it was changed and had be cut back to 30 hours instead of 40. I wasn't very happy. Last Thursday she passed out another new schedule starting at the beginning of this week. It had me only scheduled for 12 hours. 12 HOURS?! I immediately asked if there was a reason, and the reply I got was, "Well, I don't have an answer for you yet. When I think of something, I'll get back to you". I asked the same thing the next day, and the answer was still the same. NOT HAPPY! Plus, they have been sending me home even earlier than what is on the schedule. I have only gotten 5 1/2 hours this week, and I don't think they will let me work the whole 4 hours they have me scheduled for tomorrow. GRrr... GOOD NEWS- I met again with another preschool, for I think the 3rd time (spanning over the last year almost). I told them that it was not neccessary for me to give 2 weeks notice to my current employer anymore since they are hardly giving me any hours. So, I will start Monday!! I'm sooooooo incredibly happy to be leaving the church!!! There are so many things that are wrong with how things run there. For the summer I will be working with a class that is just a little younger than Aaron. Starting in the fall I will be teaching a 3-4 year old class- which I'm really excited about! I will be making more money, hopefully be in a better environment, Aaron will be in a good place and well taken care of, I will get paid vacation/sick days, and all meals are provided for Aaron and me too. They are making room for Aaron to be there, so I'm pretty sure they really want me there :) Oh, and I get breaks. At the church we didn't get breaks. I still won't have health insurance for myself or for Aaron. I'm trying to figure out that part right now. I sent in another application for Medicaid earlier this week. I know Aaron will be approved, which is the most important thing. I hope they approve me too. Without insurance I can't afford to go to the doctor to do my usual tests every 2-3 months like I'm supposed to. I'm praying that everything starts working itself out.

REALLY?!

Ahhhhh!!! Why does so many negative things have to happen at once? I FINALLY get to where I'm content and happy and focused on the right things, and then 5 bad things happen all at the same time. I'm tired. Stressed. I just need a break. And, I want to talk like I always have to my good friends who have always been there for me, but (I know I've said it before) I can't talk about any of the specifics going on yet. I hate that. As soon as the divorce is final maybe I can talk and be open about everything going on now and that happened in the past. I can't wait for it to be over. Please continue to pray for me and Aaron too.