A good friend once said ....

Actually my good friend tells me quite often to be patient. He has tons of patience just for the fact that he has to keep telling me on a regular basis and never seems to be annoyed that I don't always listen so well :) Right now, (and for a while now truthfully) I've been praying for patience in my life. I have so many things I want to do and accomplish in my life. I just don't like waiting for them. I would like them to happen sooner rather than later, so I try to force things into happening sometimes. By the way, that never works ;) God's Timing! I know this... Haha. I'm working on it. Any prayers are always appreciated though!

The last year and a half (or so)

Lawyers, finding money to pay said lawyers, stupid arguements via texting and over the phone about him having to pay child support and part of Aaron's medical bills EVERY month, court, dealing with sherriff's department, being blamed for him spending a weekend in jail because I didn't remind him of court dates he didn't show up for (which I don't believe is my place anymore), court again... Then the end of February- ahhhhh.... Court was over! Yay! Thought I was done, but I was wrong :( Spent the last 2 months arguing over him paying child support and being late all over again. I'm really seeing a pattern, and I pray I don't have to continue telling him every single month that he has to pay for the next 15 years or so.
Okay, I'm done with my negativity now :) I haven't written in so long because I felt I had all the negative things on my mind, most of which I wasn't supposed to talk about until everything was finalized. I plan on writing soon and more often about happy things going on with my Aaron Lee and I :) Hold me to it!

I have tons I want to write about on here to try and clear my head! However, until court stuff is finished and finalized at the end of February I can't mention most of the things in a public way- or I guess it could hinder how some things turn out. It's so incredibly frustrating! All of the situation isn't going very well right now, and I ask for your prayers for Aaron and me. I appreciate all of your prayers so far more than you could know. I never anticipated this process being so long or getting so ugly. Naive on my behalf...

Countdown

33 more days...

Patience

I feel like I'm going crazy! One of my bosses at work last week said, "You sure seem to have lots of drama going on in your life, but you don't seem like a dramatic person, nor does it ever seem to bother you". I guess that's a compliment, right? I find it funny. I feel like everything is crazy and like I can't get things straight in my head. There's so much going on, and sometimes I feel that I can't handle it. It was nice to know that my bosses and co-workers don't know all of that. I guess I usually only share details with a few select people of what's going on in my life. Lately, it seems I have fewer of those to confide in than I use to though. Upcoming court dates in January and February are on my mind every single day; scheduling off work, finding a sub, getting all the paperwork together I have to take to court, and preparing myself to keep my composure as well. Anything having to do with my son's future makes me get emotional- as I'm sure it does almost every parent. There's a reason I said almost every parent. I remember in 2002 when I was with my youth group here in Denton at our Jr./Sr. event, one of my friends who was a Jr. presented me with a Fruit of the Spirit Award- Patience. It always struck me as strange because I never considered myself to be very patient. I certainly don't feel like I have much patience right now. My seperation has lasted over 14 months now, and my divorce started 12 months ago. Finally, I have a real (can't be postponed) court date to finalize the divorce. I'm starting to feel relieved that I have something to look forward to. There are so many things I once had planned for my life, and all of those same things are what I still want. It's definitely going to happen differently that what I originally planned. I still want everything on my 'list' for Aaron and myself, more so now than I ever have before I think. Which brings me back to the patience... I want to start making a difference and checking some of those things off NOW! I don't want to wait any longer. I want to change and get things done now. I don't want to have to wait to find love again, which directly relates to wanting more children and a whole family again. Yes, I realize I do have to wait no matter what I plan. God's plan is the one that matters. I just wish that sometimes it was my plan too. That would be nice :) I also wish I didn't have to wait for a house, a backyard Aaron can have a tree house in, spending weekends with Aaron AND a completely wonderful guy who loves us both and wants a future with us, and all the stuff that follows. I want to build my own house. I want to physically help build my own house. I've always wanted to do that- my dad put all sorts of those dreams in my head and taught me how to do some of it too. My dreams will have to wait, hopefully not for long though. I know I need patience because I have no choice! If anybody has words of wisdom please share :)

Nice

I was kind of not looking forward to last weekend because I had volunteered to work on Saturday night for Parents' Night Out at the school. I love the kids of course, but it just makes my weekend feel nonexistent sometimes. The last time I did one a couple of months ago I ended up having 9 kids under 18 months old for 4 hours. It was exhausting to say the least! This time I only had 3 which was a pleasant surprise. And, I made a little extra money which is always nice. Some unexpected things came up afterwards, and I had a really good time. Interesting weekend :)

My Prayers

I realize that I really haven't posted much over the last several months. Adam and I have been separated for almost a year now (and, no the divorce still isn't finalized unfortunately). There have been so many times over the last several months that I have wanted and felt that I needed to write here, not so much for people to read about my personal life, but so that I may feel better after expressing my innermost feelings. I know and love that all of you would have encouraging words to say. That is definitely not the reason why I haven't been posting when I have wanted to. It's just that I have been trying my absolute hardest this last year to not speak too negatively about Adam for many reasons. 1) Obviously because he is the father of my son. I never want Aaron to overhear or think a certain way about his father just because I have. 2) Our divorce still isn't final and won't be for a while. Anything I say can be used against me in court. 3) I know and believe that any negative remarks I may have will just reflect on my character as well as his. 4) I am trying so desperately to be the best person and christian I can be in spite of everything that has been going on for the last year and a half or so.
Sorry, that was a little detour I suppose than what I originally began writing for. I will continue ...
Things have been difficult and easier at the same time since last fall. Lots of things have happened since then. And, I think I was hurt and then allowed myself to be hurt again too quickly afterwards. The last couple of months the loneliness really started to sink in for me. I have wanted to just be able to find someone again. The truth is though, that I don't feel like being hurt anymore. In my prayers the last couple of weeks I have been asking God to take away my wants and desires to find companionship, love, all of it away. This may be selfish of me to ask that God remove the idea from my thinking. I don't know. That's just how I've felt lately.